MOPS Budget Report:: 2013-2014

MOPS Registration:: 2014-2015

It's that time again!

As this year winds down, we hope to see you again next fall! 

Registration opens on May 1st for 2014-15.

Join us for another season of food, fellowship, and encouragement.

Don't wait--childcare space is at a premium so sign up to claim your spot!

To register, CLICK HERE.

Relationships with Mothers

I have to admit--when I saw the topic for last week, I let out an "oh boy." I mean, what a can of worms, amen? But our very own mentor mom Terry McNichols, M.S. used her expertise in the mental health field and her personal story to give us tips on how we can relate to our mothers, especially if it is a strained relationship. Of course, her words can also apply to your boss, husband, sibling, etc.

Having navigated a particularly challenging relationship herself, Terry shared some tools to help go about change in ourselves that hopefully leads to positive change in our relationships.
After all..

"One person can change a system."

Terry detailed the typical responses to a Demand for Sameness within a relationship:

1. Comply: "I only want what you want, dear." This means pretending there are no differences between you. You "never fight." This may come from a fear of conflict and generally means you never truly know yourselves or each other.
2. Rebel: "I did it my way." Never secure in what you want because you are too busy doing the opposite of what someone else wants. But this still means the other person is calling the shots and you're responding.
3. Attack: "I'm the king of the mountain." Everyone else is the problem and the cause of frustration and therefore need to change by whatever means possible. 
4. Cutoff: "Bye-bye." Withdrawing physically or emotionally, walk away from the conversation or the house.

What is your "go-to" response when confronted with a demand for sameness? Identify what may be happening in your relationship with your mother, friend, boss or spouse and the role you play. Go into your family or relationship as a researcher. What is the dynamic? What's going on? What are the triggers? What are the responses? Gathering this information helps equip you to start making changes within yourself and see what your own role is in the situation before trying to change the other person. Observing the dynamic from this perspective helps encourage understanding, compassion, and forgiveness going forward. 

Practical Steps Toward Change:

1. Begin by changing yourself:: It's a dance. You both know the steps. What happens when you change those steps? The dance changes. Change one small thing and see what happens. And in the name of gathering information, observe the changes and decide if they are changes you want to keep. Work on your own reactions in the midst of this.
2. Start to notice when you're reacting vs. when you are responding:: Check in with your body and see where you feel the anxiety of your responses. Pay attention. Is it in your shoulders? Your chest? Your temples? In the midst of you communication, see what your body is telling you. Doing this will put a pause in the interaction and you will find you respond differently than if you didn't take that moment.
3. Assume a positive intention:: Think about context and look at things from their perspective. We all make mistakes and desire the benefit of the doubt. Offer the same.
4. Learn to forgive:: Let go of the past! It's a commandment, not a choice (Luke 6:37). "Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and expecting the rat to die."--Anne Lamott 
5. Learn to communicate with your mother:: What's the best way? Have you asked her? Have you told her? Is it texting, calling, Skyping, emailing? If she's calling you ten times a day and it makes you want to scream, suggest texting or email so you can get back to her in your own time. Frustration can be avoided simply by communicating in the preferred medium. And never underestimate the power of asking "is this a good time?"
6. Learn to make quick repairs:: Check out this article on John Gottman's blog--he offers tools for this.
7. Learn to make "I" statements in your communication:: It's okay to fight but it means learning to fight well. Making "I" statements takes the attack out of communication and helps to set boundaries. Practice in situations that aren't emotional first, or with cooperative people. Discuss it with your partner, friend, or parent to see if they will cooperate.

"I Statements"

"When you (a non-blaming statement of fact), I feel (a true statement of your feelings) because I (further clarify the issue for you without blame). Would you consider (offer reasonable ideas to resolve the problem) / So (set a boundary).

 

And finally--Get to know your mother! Ask questions! See below for help.

Questions to Ask Your Mother (from MAMA AP newsletter, January 2014)

• What's the one thing you would have done differently as a mom?
• In what ways do you think I'm like you? And not like you?
• Do you think it's easier or harder to be a mother now than when you were raising me?
• Is there anything that you wish had been different between us--or that you would still like to change?
• Is there anything you have always wanted to tell me but never have?
• Is there anything you regret not having asked your parents?
• What's the best thing I can do for you right now?

[Excerpted from "10 Questions to Ask Your Mother Now" by Judith Newman, www.realsimple.com]

TIP: If you don't feel like you can do it in person, perhaps write it down to take the face-to-face out of it.

"Now you KNOW better so now you have to DO better."

 Terry McNichols, M.S. 

mcnicholsterry@comcast.net

RESOURCES
Family Ties that Bind: A self-help guide to change through Family of Origin Therapy by Dr. Ronald W. Richardson 
Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies and Impossible Expectations That All Of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow by Judith Viorst
Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott
Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve by Lewis B. Smedes
The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D
The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D
The Mother-in-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along? by Annie Chapman
Cutting Loose: An Adult Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents by Howard M. Halpern, Ph.D
Good Daughters: Loving Our Mothers as They Age by Patricia Beard

AROUND THE WEB
"Relational Repair for the Difficult" by Jen Hatmaker 
"For When You've Never Walked a Mile in Their Shoes" by Andrea Dekker