Click HERE
for the recording of Scott and Heather's talk from Selah. And for those of you joining us
from work and can't listen, a summary is included below.
Enjoy!
A lot of our discord comes from past hurts.
How many times have we begun an argument and known, in our gut, that it was really about something else? Socks on the floor or the toilet seat up doesn't really make for WWIII material, yet it can incite a messy conflict. Scott and Heather spoke about how to deal with that in a healthy way.
1. Call to Forgive
- Isaiah 1:18
- Matthew 6:14-15
- Forgiveness is a choice within us. But reconciliation is a step beyond that and brings us back into relationship.
- This takes hashing it out/talking about it. For instance: "It's not just to dig in or traumatize us all over again, but can you help me make sense of this thing that happened?" Be gentle. Teach your partner what you're hoping them to do.
- Rebuilding from where things fell apart will make it stronger.
- We all make mistakes
- How we "repair" is what's important, no matter the fight
- We will hurt those we love
- It's how we handle it that matters
- Engaging and fighting is a primal response to disappointment/disagreement in order to connect and reconcile. It's a surface indication of a bigger, deeper hurt.
- Why can't we just say "I'm sorry?" It doesn't get to the heart. There is no "script" to true reconciliation. You can say the right words, but we need to share our pain and see that our pain hurts them, too. We need our partner to "get it."
- "Reconciliation is the potential outcome of an emotional partner's pain and communicates that the hurt partner's pain (which they contributed to) hurts them, too."--Dr. Sue Johnson
- The most dangerous form of betrayal is the Betrayal of Disengagement. Stay engaged. Our partner is a witness to our pain. We need that.
Step 1.) The hurt person shares about his/her pain without blame or accusation.
- Invite your partner to share first. "Is there a time you were hurt?"
- Start the sharing with primary emotions, including specific feelings of hurt, worries, or sadness.
- Use tender feelings, not attacking feelings
- Criticism/anger puts our partner on the defensive
- The partner has to hear it. Stay emotionally present. Listen and avoid jumping into an apology until you can respond with "me, too. I get it." Resist making excuses or being defensive.
Step 4.) The person who has contributed to the hurt needs to accept responsibility for their actions and make sure the person who is hurt feels your empathy, regret, or remorse.
- You might still see the solution differently, but this is an opportunity for the other partner to say "I get it, too. You were ______ (hurt, sad, etc)."
- This is the "get over it" stage. This is the anecdote so we don't go here again.
- This becomes the healing moment, when the person who is hurt opens their heart to the other.
- Available
- Responsive
- Emotionally Engaged
- "Are you there for me?" "I am."
- How did your family do apologies? Well or difficult?
- How do you do it now?
- How can you bring this material to your partner?
- How can you show some empathy to your partner to invite him into this?
Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson
Love Sense by Sue Johnson
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
Heather Sund Counseling Facebook page, which has regular couple and family resources
Seminars:
