Last Tuesday we heard from Alison Bower, a local parent educator who spoke about connecting with our kids instead of commanding them. Her message was humor- and grace-filled, yet convicting (at least for me--what did you guys think?).
Consider the notes below, complete with the exercises she led us through and the questions she gave us to think about, as you try to get out of the house with your kid today. What are we teaching them in the long run?
Exercise
Identify the challenges your're facing RIGHT NOW: fits, lying, hitting, wining, drinking the dog's water
Identify the skills/attributes they NEED TO LEARN: patience, empathy, self-confidence, generosity, manners, self-control, gratitude
If you look at the "challenges" list, that is exactly who your kids are supposed to be right now. And it is exactly
how they learn to have the skills we desire for them. Within those challenging moments are the opportunities to teach the attributes we're hoping to cultivate in them as they grow.
So how to we foster that and harness those "teaching moments?"
Exercise
Examples of bossy/commanding communication: "Go get your coat," "Put your toys away," "It's time to go," "Put your shoes on."
Examples of asking questions/helping them make decisions: "How are you going to stay warm and dry today?" or "What do we need to do to leave the house in a few minutes?"
Asking them questions gives them responsibility and a chance to make choices, which is empowering for them. Commands are disconnected and, quite frankly, rude--which isn't okay just because they're little. Involving them in the process of leaving the house or getting ready for bed is more intentional and gives them the opportunity to THINK.
Rule of Thumb: Don't ask "why," ask "what" or "how." Before we give a command, is there a question we can ask? Generally, if you stop and think and can start with "What..." then you're on the right track to connecting.
When we give them the opportunity to feel more capable, they become more capable.
Yes, this way takes more time. It takes more time right now and can be super inconvenient, but a.) kids
are super inconvenient and b.) it won't last forever. It does mean thinking ahead, leaving time for these interactions, and being prepared with a plan rather than resorting to commands because you're late.
In the end, you have to be willing to get the answer that you get. And it's not always going to be the right one. If you aren't up for that, then you're not being honest and intentional about the experience. Go into it open to what they say. These conversations are not only a vessel for them still to do what we want them to do. Sometimes they will decide to go to school in the rain without a coat. BUT...
- Go ahead and ask follow-up questions to help them get there. You don't have to stop at the first question.
- If they don't and come home wet and cold, restart the conversation. Avoid "I told you so," but instead ask what they can do tomorrow to avoid that happening again.
- You can have fun doing the right thing! Skip to the car, race to put your shoes on, make a game out of putting toys away. It's okay to help them want to leave the house with you!
Discussion Questions:
- What is an area of discipline that you are finding really challenging right now?
- What is working well for your family in the area of discipline?
Alison Bower
www.ParentsInMind.com
alison@alisonbowerconsulting.com
(206)498-5301
Resources
Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World by H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelson
Positive Discipline for Pre Schoolers by Jane Nelson
