Shari Gaffney::Marriage

At our last meeting, we had the privilege of hearing from Shari Gaffney. Married for 30 years, Shari and her husband, Mike, share a passion for mentoring young couples and encouraging others through their wisdom and experience. They've been through their own peaks and valleys while walking alongside tons of couples and getting a good idea of what makes marriage work. So listen up--she knows a thing or two!

Click HERE for the recording of Shari's talk.

Enjoy!

 

"A picture paints a thousand words...but doesn't tell the whole story." In this social media world, we only see glimpses of our lives, but it's not reality. No one's life is perfect, and DEFINITELY no one's marriage is perfect.

In marriage, we have "sunsets" (the good, beautiful stuff) and "sand fleas" (the hard stuff). It's just true.

Relationships go through cycles....

• MEET: You meet your spouse. Think about what drew you to him?  
• BUTTERFLIES: Infatuation. "I really want to get to know this person better." 
• HONEYMOON: Paradise, but we start finding flaws. Your partner is human and we begin learning more...and adjusting. Not usually deal-breakers. 
• DOUBT OR DISAPPOINTMENT: "Did I marry the wrong person? I don't feel that infatuation anymore." Take heart--every relationship gets here. Especially after a new baby. Fact//70% of marriages go through a sharp decline after the birth of a child. What do we do?  In our culture, we see people circle back to "meeting" because they want to feel the warm/fuzzy feelings again. It gets too hard, doubt is tough to handle, and they move on to other people. Resist! Get to the next step! 
• RESOLUTION: Don't miss this one! It's hard and work and sucks sometimes, but it's worth it. Maybe it's a hard conversation or a one-on-one with a mentor. Marriage counseling. Maybe you just need to have fun together and remember why you like each other. But God doesn't want us to dwell here and get stuck.... 
• JOY AND HOPE: Where God wants us to live. As awesome as infatuation is, joy can be better because it's earned. We work for it and it fortifies that relationship. 

You might go through this cycle more than once. In life's ups and downs, you will go 'round and 'round again and again.  And the next time it comes around, the better you are. You have the skills to tackle it. It's how you grow. 

 

Looking forward...

Redefine "exciting:" The traditional definition doesn't always apply to our lives, especially with small children. At this point in your relationship, what does it mean to keep your marriage growing, fluid, moving along? How do you avoid being stagnant and still and stuck?
What are the things that keep our relationship vibrant instead of stagnant? 

Consider these. Pick one. Be challenged.

1. Always date. Don't stop dating just because you get married. It's the first thing that goes out the window. Don't just give each other the leftovers of your life. The day we get married, we commit to this priority in your life. It's not your kids (they WILL LEAVE), it's your spouse. We don't always feel like doing this.
   
   "We act our way into feeling much more than we feel our way into acting."--Eugene Peterson
   The action comes first. We make a decision and we live into that decision. Think outside of the box and get creative. Make time to reconnect (a morning date, walk Greenlake, get breakfast, etc...fit it in!). 
2.  Laugh and lighten up. Our homes should be a place to relax and recharge, not stress and tension. Laughter is a recovery technique. Also, don't underestimate the power of affirming your husband as a dad. Your kids don't need two moms. Your husband brings his own gifts and strategies to parenting, even if they go against yours. Let it go.
3. Invest in something as a couple or as a family: What do the two of you bring as a couple that you can give the world? God brought you together for a reason, to give something unique together. Mentor another couple, plug into a ministry, the opportunities are endless!
4. Value your spouse's vantage point: Reserve the criticism or judgment. Think about it from their perspective before jumping in. Ask the next question: "Why is that so important to you?"
5. Enjoy the fruit: Enjoy the strengths of your relationship, without endlessly evaluating and looking for places to correct. Focus on the good stuff.

 Further Discussion

• What first attracted you to your spouse?
• Best/favorite date with your spouse?
• Describe a disappointment you've faced...a disappointment and a resolution.
• What's something that stuck out to you from the talk?

 

Rebecca Stuhlmiller::Redesign Your Homemaking

"Do you ever feel like the cleaning never stops?"
"Do you fall in bed exhausted, but wonder what you accomplished?"
After remarrying and becoming the matriarch of a family of nine, Rebecca Stuhlmiller was at a loss. God showed up and revealed a new design for homemaking so she could love her family and home better: she became more motivated by the why we do it. After all, having a clean house just for the sake of it doesn't last (if our toddlers, the Lego Kings and Queens, have anything to say about it). So what can we do to reorient out thinking and "create room to love God and love people?"

Click HERE for the recording of Rebecca's talk.

Enjoy!

 Step 1: Find Your Focal Point

• Homemaking is about loving God and loving people.
• God gave us this life to love and the people in it. Get to know Him, spend time with Him, and love Him back. He's the reason for all of it and through our roles as mothers/wives taking care of our homes, we are doing the eternal work of loving God, our families, and our neighbors.

Step 2: Empty the Room

• Empty out...paralyzing perfectionism. Forget "If I could just get done ______." You're never done. It's a process.
• Empty out...the Declaration of Independence. We can't do it alone. We need help. But shame, guilt, and sin keep us from asking.
• Empty out...one size fits all. Trying to fit in causes resentment and leaves us worn out. God created us each unique. Ask "what kind of home does God want to help me create?"

Step 3: Bring in the Big Pieces

• 1) Daily Quick List
• Break down the usual zones (bedroom, clothes, office, kitchen, general household) and list attainable daily tasks for each zone. 
• Tip: Have the kids help. They can pick up as many things as they are old or give them a chore for the whole month rather than switching it up weekly. By helping you, they learn a skill. Play to their strengths and personality (i.e. do they like to work alone? Or with a buddy?)

• 2) Color-Coded Calendar
• At a glance, know the capacity of your week. Ex.: blue: show up/no prep; red: prep and/or responsibilities; orange: birthdays/anniversaries, etc. Fill it as full as you want it. 

•  3) Think about deeper cleaning of areas like the kitchen, clothes, office, and house. After the daily list, maybe go a bit further. Make shopping lists, clean the laundry room, shop for gifts for upcoming birthdays. 
• As you have time and energy, and are in the mood, Step 4: Add the Accessories. Deep clean, decorate, plan a capsule wardrobe, clean computer files, and declutter. Use your passion for cooking/baking/crafts/gift-giving/hospitality to love and serve your neighbor. However, simplify if it's not your thing. Develop if it's your passion. Feel free to decide and either let it go or dig in.

Further Discussion

• What activity, hobby, or ministry would you love to do if you had more time?
• What kind of calendar do you keep? How is it working for you?
• What are your favorite activities in the kitchen with your kids? 

Rebecca Stuhlmiller

www.rebeccastuhlmiller.com

rstuhlmiller@gmail.com