Positive Discipline

This week we heard from Katie Becker, an Early Childhood Specialist and Parenting Consultant with Thrive. Though we probably all expected tips on disciplining our children, Katie didn't address time-outs or taking dessert away. Instead, she focused on the front end of things: laying a solid foundation of communicated expectations and boundaries for behaviors and actions (and sticking to them!), in order to save ourselves some grief later.

In cased you missed it, here are some key points:

• She started us off with some brain science: just how much we/our kids take in from birth to 12-years-old (read: a lot), what they take in through watching/mirroring us, and the associations they have to how or where they learn something when they learn it.
• She stressed the importance of processing with our kids. When they come up against hard stuff, it's tempting to jump in with answers, but giving them room to figure out how they feel and decide how they want to handle it can yield better results than having us do it for them. Talk with them and give them the room to think about it and come to their own conclusions before filling that space. See where it leads.
• She explained the importance of communicating boundaries and expectations--
• It yields security for them. When these are constantly shifting, it creates stress and anxiety--they're unsure of what to expect or what you expect from them. The unknown can make them uneasy.
• Kids need to know if "no means no," if you always have family dinner, to always respect adults, etc. and parents need to hold that line as best they can. Then everyone is working from the same playbook and trying to uphold those things together, meaning you are probably putting out less fires in the moment.
• Making those expectations known on the outset is a more successful strategy than engaging and reacting within the situation. Katie suggested letting your child know those boundaries when things are calm: in the car, at bedtime, or around the dinner table. It is more proactive than reactive. Trying to establish new expectations and limits while knee-deep in conflict doesn't really lend itself to a calm, thought-out delivery from the parent or a welcome reception from our kids.
• These boundaries and expectations may change as your children get older. It can take re-evaluation every so often to see if they are still in line with your family values and your child's unique development.
• Encouraging or discouraging certain behaviors--
• Kids love attention. Most often, they are doing something in order to get ours.
• We can discourage behavior by not giving them the attention they want. When it's safe, try ignoring the behavior. If they're screaming in the car, pulling it over or engaging until the end of your rope may not work. Instead, give it a minute. Usually, if they haven't gotten a reaction, they will stop. 
• When they are working on a new expectation or behavior, give them praise when they are doing something appropriate (i.e. positive reinforcement). Then once they've mastered it, you can cut the praise. Otherwise, they might come to expect it and we end up over-praising (a whole 'nother discussion), nullifying the effect of earned praise. 
• We want to equip our kids with the right tools to handle things, but then have to take a step back. They will get their feelings hurt, they will fail. It's a hard thing to do, letting and watching that happen, but it's necessary to have them practice living out the tools you've given them at home. You have hopefully helped shaped behaviors in a way that will serve them throughout their life.

In the end, Katie couldn't say enough about consistency and follow-through. All of the above has little merit when it's ever-changing. And of course our kids will do all they can to work those inconsistencies and drive us crazy with negotiation or protest if what you said yesterday was different than today or tomorrow.

And ultimately, grace for yourself is key. There are no perfect parents getting these things "right" all the time. Some days are better than others and if all of the balls fall out of the air one day, reset and try again tomorrow. There's nothing wrong with that!

"If you're getting it right 60% of the time, you're doing a good job." -John Gottman

RESOURCES
The Whole Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel
1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas W. Phelan
Amy Cuddy's Ted Talk about "power posing": Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are

Katie Becker, M. Ed

Early Childhood Specialist

www.childrenthrive.com

katie@childrenthrive.com

206.909.9207

Men's Panel

Well.

Not sure how the men felt, sitting in the hot seat and fielding questions about parenthood and marriage for a room full of women, but they can rest easy. It's safe to say that judging by the busy pens scribbling in notebooks as they spoke, they hit it out of the park.

The panel of six offered valuable insight into faith, family, and fatherhood and shared wisdom from their own experiences as dads and husbands. We thank them for their honesty, openness and humor as they reflected on topics like need and conflict. Below you'll find the questions that guided the discussion (perhaps to talk over with your spouse?).

PANEL QUESTIONS:

Parenting

1. What do you love about being a dad?
2. Give some examples of how parenting is different between a husband and a wife? How are these differences significant in a family?
3. How can a wife help her husband feel like they are parenting together?
4. How does becoming a father impact the relationship between husband and wife?
5. How can a wife put a husband first before the children?

Marriage

1. What does a husband need most from a wife?
2. What are some things a wife can do to make her husband feel loved and supported and respected?
3. What are some helpful ways to resolve conflicts in marriage? What can couples do to protect their marriage?

Concluding question: What is the one thing you wish all mothers understood about being a father and a husband?