In cased you missed it, here are some key points:
- She started us off with some brain science: just how much we/our kids take in from birth to 12-years-old (read: a lot), what they take in through watching/mirroring us, and the associations they have to how or where they learn something when they learn it.
- She stressed the importance of processing with our kids. When they come up against hard stuff, it's tempting to jump in with answers, but giving them room to figure out how they feel and decide how they want to handle it can yield better results than having us do it for them. Talk with them and give them the room to think about it and come to their own conclusions before filling that space. See where it leads.
- She explained the importance of communicating boundaries and expectations--
- It yields security for them. When these are constantly shifting, it creates stress and anxiety--they're unsure of what to expect or what you expect from them. The unknown can make them uneasy.
- Kids need to know if "no means no," if you always have family dinner, to always respect adults, etc. and parents need to hold that line as best they can. Then everyone is working from the same playbook and trying to uphold those things together, meaning you are probably putting out less fires in the moment.
- Making those expectations known on the outset is a more successful strategy than engaging and reacting within the situation. Katie suggested letting your child know those boundaries when things are calm: in the car, at bedtime, or around the dinner table. It is more proactive than reactive. Trying to establish new expectations and limits while knee-deep in conflict doesn't really lend itself to a calm, thought-out delivery from the parent or a welcome reception from our kids.
- These boundaries and expectations may change as your children get older. It can take re-evaluation every so often to see if they are still in line with your family values and your child's unique development.
- Encouraging or discouraging certain behaviors--
- Kids love attention. Most often, they are doing something in order to get ours.
- We can discourage behavior by not giving them the attention they want. When it's safe, try ignoring the behavior. If they're screaming in the car, pulling it over or engaging until the end of your rope may not work. Instead, give it a minute. Usually, if they haven't gotten a reaction, they will stop.
- When they are working on a new expectation or behavior, give them praise when they are doing something appropriate (i.e. positive reinforcement). Then once they've mastered it, you can cut the praise. Otherwise, they might come to expect it and we end up over-praising (a whole 'nother discussion), nullifying the effect of earned praise.
- We want to equip our kids with the right tools to handle things, but then have to take a step back. They will get their feelings hurt, they will fail. It's a hard thing to do, letting and watching that happen, but it's necessary to have them practice living out the tools you've given them at home. You have hopefully helped shaped behaviors in a way that will serve them throughout their life.
And ultimately, grace for yourself is key. There are no perfect parents getting these things "right" all the time. Some days are better than others and if all of the balls fall out of the air one day, reset and try again tomorrow. There's nothing wrong with that!
"If you're getting it right 60% of the time, you're doing a good job." -John Gottman
RESOURCES
The Whole Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel
1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas W. Phelan
Amy Cuddy's Ted Talk about "power posing": Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are
Katie Becker, M. Ed
Early Childhood Specialist
katie@childrenthrive.com
206.909.9207
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