Family values are how we live our lives and shape our homes. These values are ideally without the influence of social demands, but stemming from what is important to us and our family. They are the fence around our home, guarding it against the barrage of outside influence and opinion.
And to get to the core of our values and the meat we need to hold on to them, we have to take the important step of asking "why?"
"A [family] can explain what it does; some can explain how they do it; but very few can clearly articulate why." - Simon Sinek p. cover
Why ask "why?"
- "Because if you know you're values, you will make decisions that you can feel good about." If we don't know the heart of why we have a value, there is more room for doubt and incongruency in our lives. We want the inside to match what is on the outside.
- "Knowing and putting words to our values creates a filter over the house." We are bombarded with different opinions and other values from every direction, from eating organic to differing parenting advice, and if we don't know our own values, we will take it all in and probably go crazy. Being in touch with our values keeps the others out. And keeps us sane.
- "It saves you time and money in the end." How many times have you invested in gimmicks or things that we aren't? That sure-fire weight loss plan or that camping gear you're SURE you're going to use. Someday. When we know our values, we can say "yes" and "no" accordingly without being taken in by something that we are just plain NOT.
- "Otherwise, we think we're not good enough. We battle the inner critic." Our inner voice is constantly asking, "Am I doing something wrong?" When we know and put words to our values, we are already living them out. We're doing things right according to what's important to us and that's what matters.
- "It allows room for grace." When we observe others succeeding in other areas (i.e. eating organic and constantly camping), we can extend grace to ourselves because they are operating under a different set of values. Our values don't, and probably won't, all look the same. And that's okay. Example grace-filled inner dialogue: "Well done, other people/parents/families! Doing great! Over here, we're not doing too shabby ourselves in the family dinner every night and daily exercise values. Awesome." *Pats self on back*
Then, think about what you're reaching for. What kind of home do you want? What kind of family do you want?
And consider how to get there. How do you get what you want? What are the steps you need to take? First, count the cost. For example, if you want to exercise, it will cost you time. Be prepared for that. Secondly, know that there will be loose ends. You may hit roadblocks, but it still matters to you, so you know to persevere. And finally, understand that things will get hard. You're probably going to want to quit. But you know why it's important, so you keep going. After all, when you set your eyes on the "yes" and have a plan for how to get there, the "no's" can't jump the fence and get in the way. You're gonna get there.
Questions to Consider:
- What is one value in your home that is a result of pain? What is one value that comes from what went right in your family of origin?
- What kinds of superficial changes have you tried to make? Did they work? If so, how? If not, what happened?
- Do you know the kind of family you want to have? What does it look like? Are your goals realistic?
- Are you prepared to count the costs of achieving those goals and values? What are some of the costs you imagine facing to achieve the home environment you want?
- In the end, why do you want to change? You may know the "what" to change and the "how" but have you asked yourself "why?"
Krista Law, MA, LMHCA
Individual & Couples Counselor
206.866.5083
kristalawma@gmail.com
www.3therapistswalkintoablog.com
ResourcesSimon Sinek TED Talk--How Great Leaders Inspire Action
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