Barb Barnes:: Thriving on Conflict

Okay, ladies--apologies for such a looong hiatus for the ol' blog and getting this talk posted so late! We are now back to regularly scheduled programming and excited to feature Barb's talk!

On December 2nd, we heard from our very own Barbara Barnes about Thriving on Conflict. Below is a summary for those who missed it!

Types of conflict: 

• Internal--doing something that is not in alignment with your own values
• External--overt (open between parties) and covert (underlying)
• And sometimes having an internal conflict can cause us to create external conflicts!

:::Conflict is an opportunity to develop creative solutions and satisfying relationships.:::

People respond to conflict with 5 different styles: 

• Competitor--needs to win, compares self to others, escalates conflict to a contest
• Avoider--denies conflict exists, flees confrontations, avoids decisions
• Compromiser--seeks solutions that partially satisfy both parties, often all parties are dissatisfied
• Accommodator--agreeable and seeks approval, never takes a stand, generous to a fault
• Collaborator--not threatened by conflict, listens and clarifies, applies standards of fairness, looks for realistic, practical solutions
• We might be more than one of these depending on the scenario! 

Constructive Behaviors:

• Refuse to be defensive or hostile
• Respect the interests of others
• Explore differences in fact, underlying issues, and assumptions
• Remain flexible and open to any reasonable solution
• Don't measure your worth by the outcome

Employ good listening skills to help diffuse negative emotions. Avoid assumptions, interrupting, and don't forget to consider body language. Remain calm!  

Constructive Response:

• Acknowledge personal tension and be willing to engage
• Identify the underlying issue
• Express thoughts and feelings with an open mind
• Listen with empathy & without interrupting or judgement
• Consider the other perspective & seek joint resolution

 Seek Joint Solutions:

• Be open--let go of your own agenda
• Think outside the box
• Support the other person's ideas
• Remain positive
• Enjoy the process

Remember: Foundations to managing conflict are using good listening skills and making sure you are understood. Ultimately, conflict can be a good thing and provide opportunities for growth. Don't be afraid to engage in a healthy process. You never know where it might lead you (in a good way!). 

Discussion questions:

1. What is your default conflict management style?
2. What are some examples of internal conflict?  How does that internal conflict impact your interactions with others?
3. Who will you focus on listening to and what positive results do you anticipate?

Homework:

• Daily--practice good listening with family, friends and at work.
• Develop an awareness of internal and external conflict.  Look on conflict as an opportunity!
• Express how the other person's behavior makes you feel.
• Build a collaborative response to conflict.
• Celebrate when you have built an understanding!

Barbara Barnes

Renovations-Coaching.com