Hi, it’s Mollie, your MOPS Speaker Coordinator, to report on
what Zach Brittle had to share in his presentation several weeks ago now (I
apologize for the delay!)
Zach is a Certified Gottman Therapist specializing in
evidence-based couples therapy based on over 40 years of research in o what
makes marriage work.
A while back he had asked me what I thought it would be
helpful for him to cover for MOPS, and in an unguarded moment I asked him to
answer three questions:
1) Are we going crazy?
2) What is actually worth worrying about?
3) What can we concretely do every day (preferably in under
five minutes) that will help us affirm and improve our marriages?
He used these questions to frame his talk, which I did my
best to summarize below:
-The Bible can be unclear and subject to interpretation when
it comes to marriage.
Zach’s main point was that the Bible points out that the
phenomenon of marriage is a great mystery. What is important is that you
understand what it means to be in YOUR marriage.
-Marriages have a life cycle, and soon after having kids
married couples often have to re-learn how to connect. Everything is a phase!
Marriage and parenting are not static, and they may not get better, but they
will get different. The greatest spike in divorce occurs three years after a
couple’s first child is born, reflecting that new parenting is a window of
conflict. So yes, you are going crazy.
But it’s just a phase.
What you SHOULD worry
about:
-Worry about knowing your mutual story. It helps to be on
the same page about the general story, or timeline, of your relationship (the
major ups and downs and why they happened).
Try actually drawing a sketch of the timeline of your marriage. It helps
if you can see the benefits and progress caused by the difficult times you have
had in your relationship. Both spouses need to be able to tell a mutual story
in order to move forward in their relationship.
-The happiest marriages report a high degree of friendship.
Remember that there is more that you don’t know about your spouse than that you
do know. Also (according to Zach) your husband has stopped working on your
relationship more than you have stopped. Be proactive about getting to know
each other. You have to seize intention around this, by getting time for this
into your routine (and setting aside time away from your kids). Quick exercise: ask your husband what the
first image is that pops into his head when he closes his eyes and pictures
Jesus.
-Pay attention to your daily departure and reunion. Be
intentional about recognizing these points, as they can be an indicator of how
things are going in your relationship. Try asking your spouse “What is one
thing that’s happening today that I should ask about at the end of the
day?”
Things you can do in
under five minutes every day:
*Try a six second kiss daily. As Zach pointed out, this may
feel weird, but then you may remember that you like your husband’s face.
*Seize intent around departures and reunions.
Other notes:
-Couples generally wait SIX YEARS before getting outside
help for a struggling marriage.
-Agreement is the crux of a marriage. The situation doesn’t
have to be perfect, but it helps to agree about it. This requires the ability
to compromise, which is a skill you have to learn. It helps to mutually
identify your strongest family values.
-Priority was not used in the plural until during our
lifetime, the concept of balancing so many priorities is very modern and adds
burden to marriage.
Regarding John Gottman’s research, which Zach did briefly
summarize but that I don’t have room to summarize here. It is very much worthwhile
to look into! Gottman worked at the University of Washington on extensive
mathematical research into married couple’s interactions. He boiled down these interactions into
“masters and disasters” and determined characteristics of successful and of
struggling marriages. For more information on Gottman’s research check out these
resources:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A
Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John M.
Gottman and Nan Silver
And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving
Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives by John Gottman
Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman
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