I don't know about you, but from the minute Tina Sellers opened her mouth, I knew I wanted to listen. A gifted speaker, she spoke like we were chatting on her couch and just
understood. Settle in for a recap and, if you're able, the whole of her talk.
Click HERE
for the recording of this Lisa's talk. And for those of you joining us from work or with a toddler next to you, a summary is included below. Enjoy!
"Just because something is NORMAL does not mean it is GOOD, HEALTHY, or in the BEST INTEREST of your marriage or family."
Tina began with slowing us down. She expected us to stop, to "challenge the tyranny of the urgent in our culture." It's placing inaccurate expectations on us, burning us out, and hurting our marriages. And then she posed the question: What comes to mind when you hear the word "pleasure?"
We answered...
- laughter
- no time
- we're expected not to have it
- husband!
- fun
- pressure (i.e. if you have free time for pleasure ever, MAKE THE MOST OF IT!)
Remember that pleasure and feeling is a
gift. But women are getting talked out of it.
//How many of us are wasting it?
Men = respond to their needs/urges. They eat when they're hungry, pee when they need to pee, and seek out touch and intimacy when they need it.
Women = go go go. We're raised to be that way. We don't even recognize urges when we're feeling them. We run right through/past them.
The 5 T's of Pleasure
- Time:: You have to create it. You have to build it in. It will not happen on it's own. No alone time breeds alienation, resentment, and distance in our attached relationships (with our partners).
- Thinking::What thoughts are we having + how does that dictate the pleasure we're having? Your actions will go where your thoughts go! Do something playful. Tap into the spicy side of yourself--find her. She's in there.
- Talking::Have nourishing conversations. Sit across from each other and for 3 minutes each, finish the sentence "I love it when..." What is the nature of your conversations at home? Comfort? Nuture? How do we bring that back? How did we do it when we were dating?
- Touch::IMPORTANT. If you're not touching, shut up and touch. Don't try to figure it out or analyze it. JUST DO IT. Try a 2-minute hug/kiss. Yes, it sounds like a long time, but it takes that long. Come together, embrace, drop your shoulders, sync your breathing, and then..."Oh, there you are." 75 seconds in, you're home.
- Trysts:: Build in fun surprises for yourselves. Plan to leave home when you can so you're not looking at what needs to be done. Make it a priority to make space for fun activities to nourish yourself and your relationship with each other. It has to be intentional. It won't happen on its own. It will ALWAYS and FOREVER take intention!
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
--Wild Geese by Mary Oliver
Exercise:Future Retrospective-- put yourself out 20 years, then look back. What
memories do you want to make when your kids are 3, 6, 9, 11, etc.? How
are you crafting that? Don't gauge anything by our culture--culture is
just using and taking from you. What life are you
making?
Added bonus of a healthy marriage: Kids learn best when they can see a marriage in front of them. Not just parents and "parenting," but an affectionate marriage. Being secure as a kid means being secure in a marriage as an adult. Make your kids look at you and think, "I want one of THOSE someday."
Tina closed with encouragement for all of use to BE BRAVE. Experiment. Practice. DO IT.
Tina Schermer Sellers, PhD, LMFT
Resources
Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski
Sex Matters for Women by Sallie Foley
From Burned Out to Fired Up by Whitney Meade
Momifesto--A Manifesto of 9 Practices for Phenomenal Moms by Vikki Spencer
The Three Marriages--Reimagining Work, Self, and Relationship by David Whyte
