Terry McNichols:: Tips + Tricks For a Better Marriage

We had the pleasure of hearing from our very own mentor mom, Terry McNichols, MS, LMHC, at our last meeting. With many years of marriage and experience as a counselor under her belt, she helped expose areas where our marriages struggle and introduced realistic suggestions to start making change. Thanks, Terry!

There is no audio for Terry's talk. Please peruse the notes below to get a taste of what was discussed.

We all entered into marriage with expectations such as:

• "I'd like him all the time"
• "It'd be like when we were dating, but better"
• My partner will change
• It'll make me happy
• We'll have deep conversations whenever we need to: money, sex, kids, chores
• We shouldn't have conflict

AND THEN ALONG COMES BABY.
What changes?

• "more to disagree about"
• "relating to our parents and in-laws in a new way"
• finances
• no affection left for each other/less sex
• depression/anxiety
• more work to do
• a whole new role/different person (add "mother"/"parent" to "wife," "sister," "friend," etc.)

Citing John Gottman as a primary reference, Terry shared the results of his studies and recommendations for how to succeed in marriage.

When Gottman studied couple after couple in his "love lab," the results were this: 67% of couples had "relationship dissatisfaction" after baby came (affectionately referred to as the "disasters"). But he focused on the 33% that didn't (the "masters"). 

What's were the 33% doing differently?

1. "Masters" built their friendship and
2. learned how to handle conflict

How to build your friendship:

• "Love Map" your spouse. Cards are available online to purchase that guide you with questions you answer about your spouse that you have to answer. You get into each other's heads and learn about one another. OR there are also open-ended question cards for deeper discussion.
• Bids--bids are basically anytime a partner tries to engage. When one spouse expresses a "bid," what does the other spouse do with it? Turn away from it or towards it? Examine how you personally turn towards or away from your spouses "bid" to engage in conversation or relationship. 
• Emotional bank account--keep a ledger of Deposits and Withdraws. Write down the ways you "deposit" into your spouse vs. how you respond negatively and "withdraw." FYI, there's a 5:1 rule...for every withdraw, you need 5 deposits to make up for it. 
• 20 minute debriefing conversation at the end of every day. Stay connected to what's going on in your partner's day. 

How to handle conflict:

• Assess personal baggage: what did we learn from our parents that we're repeating? 
• Learn how to say what you need versus automatically attacking
• "67% of your arguments are unresolvable"--Gottman   Well, that means trying to focus on the ones that you can resolve instead of going 'round and 'round about the same thing that will never get anywhere.
• "Hard startup" vs. "soft startup": think about your approach to conflict. Are you starting off with a harsh blame or is there a way to come into the conversation a bit better?

You can change your marriage by yourself.

If you make a change, your spouse changes, too, in order to recalibrate to your change. (Get it?)

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got."

What can you change?

Rule #1: If it works, don't fix it!

   Focus on what works, the problem-free times. What's different? 

Rule #2: If it doesn't work, do something different!

1. Change ANYTHING. Time of day, location (move your fight to the bathtub and see what happens), who talks (flip a coin and each person gets 10 minutes)
2. Make a new step in the sequence. Take a walk, take a break and eat lunch
3. Do a 180-degree turn:Identify what hasn't been working and try doing the opposite. Watch what happens!
4. Act "as if." Change your expectations. Fill in the blank: "How would I act differently if I expected _______?" (ex. the evening to go well). 
5. As the old adage goes, actions speak louder than words. If nagging isn't working, what can you do instead?
6. Try a different medium. Write vs. talk. See how that's received.
7. Feelings are valid, but behavior is chosen. We can put too much emphasis on feelings. Try riding out the feelings and either waiting or doing nothing. "You can act your way into a nee way of feeling. You can't feel your way into a new way of acting."
8. As a last resort...what would you change after  a divorce? Maybe take a class? Get out more or spend more time with girlfriends? Change it now. 

When in doubt, there's a whole Bible full of good ideas on how to treat each other. Consider Philippians 2:1-8 as  a great place to start.

Questions

1. Can you give an example of something that you are doing RIGHT in your relationship that you should be sure to continue?
2. Which example of how to change one thing (time of day, location, structure) during a disagreement (fight) would you be willing to try?
3. Do you have an example of a 180-degree turn you think you could make in a problem area?
4. Can you think of an instance where you might "act as if?"
5. Do you agree that you can choose your actions, in spite of your feelings?

Resources

www.Smart Marriages.com

www.gottman.com

Christianity Today's marriage resource website

Family Ties That Bind, a self-help guide to change through Family of Origin therapy by Dr. Ronald W. Richardson

Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver

And Baby Makes Three by John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D

 

  

Amy Young:: Kids + Money

Okay, so I'm a little behind. Because two meetings ago, we heard from UPC MOPS founder Amy Young about how to teach our kids about money. Using tools from finance favorite Dave Ramsey, Amy walked us through plenty of ideas and strategies to show our kids that money doesn't grow on trees, yo.

Due to technical difficulties, we don't have the audio for Amy's talk. Please enjoy the summary below.

Dave Ramsey and his daughter, Rachel Cruze, are known as a go-to team for most things financial. Their recent project is Smart Money, Smart Kids and shows families healthy ways to share about money. After all, "Your kids will spend like you, save like you, give like you, budget like you, and fight with your spouses about money...like you."--Dave Ramsey

For those of us pretty early in this parenting game, Amy began the conversation with a question: "What can we do to make sure our kids can learn about money?"

• play store
• practice counting
• ask "which is more?"when you're in the store or just out in the world.

She also shared some things that have worked/not worked for her family that were good to think about. It got the juices flowing for all of us: what are the things we do well? Amy told us that they have always put emphasis on charity/giving and discerning where they want to spend their money (i.e. if you're going to travel, you can't be a skiing family).

Then, where are the areas we may not be hitting our goals for our family? Amy shared about a lack of an organization system for the kids' money and having minimal consistency with allowance.

From there, we reflected on our own pasts with money. We all learned about it somehow, so what were some things we remember learning from our parents? From that experience, what would we teach our kids?

Then we dove into Ramsey material.
Work & Responsibility
This is important. Starting young, it's important to connect work and money--this allows kids to find purpose in their work. They learn responsibility and gets them ready for the real world. How can we show our kids that that work can be hard, but satisfying and give us a sense of purpose?

//Chart chores: What can your kids do for "commissions" or "allowance" and what can they do simply as part of the family? Once you decide what things earn money, make it visual (a crumpled $1 bill fills a jar faster than a flat one!). Or put a picture of what they're saving for on the fridge.

Spending & Wisdom
You can be a spender or a saver, there is no right or wrong. But spending is a skill. And once you figure out what kind of relationship your child has with money, you can better guide them in their decisions and habits. This is especially important in this day and age when advertising and social media bombard our kids all the time. They have constant access to what other people are up to and what other people say they should be up to. This creates a pressure to portray the best image online because the whole world is watching. And it takes money to portray and protect their image, if it means the most expensive "thing." It takes time to learn the balance between spending and saving. They need your help.

//Think about it: What are the ways advertising and social media impact your life? How could it impact your kids' level of contentment?

Giving & Generosity
"The antidote to selfishness is giving."- Dave Ramsey
We are living in "Generation Me," where there is less giving, empathy, etc. That's why it's important to make good habits. Little kids are naturally good givers, before they learn how this money thing works. Encourage that early tendency and give them a legacy to live into now. It's a gift to your kids to teach them to give. After all, God owns it all anyway. Sharing what we have shows our kids how to focus on the needs of others.

How can you begin to exercise a different muscle with our kids and get the conversation going?

//What to do: Verbalize when you give. Show them the World Vision catalog rather than just writing the check. Tell them why you're taking a meal to a MOPS mom. Don't let this giving go unnoticed.

Ultimately, it's never too young to start this conversation. Happy teaching!

Nancy Blakey:: The Importance of Outdoors for Kids

At our last meeting, we heard from Nancy Blakey about the benefit of kicking our kids outside...often. She gracefully encouraged all of us to spend a lot of time outdoors with as little structure as possible. Even in the rainy Northwest, we can do it! Zip those kids up in Gortex and have an adventure!

Click HERE for the recording of Nancy's talk. And for those of you joining us from work and can't listen, a summary is included below. Enjoy!

Why do we need to go outside?

• It goes back to hunter/gatherer days, when humans were fending for themselves and relying on physical prowess to survive. It's what we're made to do.
• When we're outside, mental fog is lifted and we see/smell/hear better. 
• For kids, there are fewer "no's!" outside! There's so much more freedom than when they're in the house and hearing "don't touch," "leave her alone," and "clean up that mess." 
• Even 10-15 minutes/day works wonders for physical development and imagination. 
• Kids are meant and built to climb/fall/jump/swing/etc and their bodies develop accordingly. If free movement is restricted, it can cause injuries later when they're involved in focused sports. "Unstructured activity" is important for all of their ligaments to grow properly and safely engage in activity for years to come.   

What stops us?

• Tools: "There's no bad weather, just bad clothing." Stick them in an Oaki or Tuffo one-piece rain suit and some boots and head outside! But it doesn't even have to take money--even a simple DIRT PILE can lend itself to hours of entertainment.
• Tolerance: for muddy feet, skinned knees + bruises, all the zipping in the winter, the laundry. You can do it.
• Time: There are two "time stealers" that can make free time outside more unlikely.
• Screen time
• Structured activities (practices, games on weekends, etc.) 
• Be careful of over-committing to sports and activities. It can rob your kids of time to...be kids (and don't forget about family time!). Just wait and limit. And don't worry about keeping them out of something--if they're destined to be Olympians, you can't stop that. Taking them out of something won't hinder their gifts and talents.  

Afraid of kicking them outside and leaving them to their own devices? Remember: boredom is a good thing! They learn to work with it! It's a driving force. Teach them how to be bored NOW because a bored teenager is worse. 

In the end, they won't remember clean windows or vacuumed rugs. They will remember tag with dad, planting potatoes, getting dirty and laughing. We're all heroes of our own lives + stories. But the heroes have to learn how to shoot the bow + arrow and fend for themselves. And that happens outside.

Tips:

• Walks: Part 2-3 blocks from your destination and walk. It's a time to talk and go slow. Make sure you allow time to take as long as it takes. 
• Keep exercise + exploring separate: Make sure you each get your time. Rather than counting "outside time" as a run with the kids in the stroller, take your time, then give them time out of the stroller. Do what you need to do to be a good mommy, but let them move. 
• Authenticity: Does your child have no problem playing outside...for hours...when mommy's cold and tired of pushing the swing? Be true to how you want to parent. It's okay to say "I'm too tired, figure it out, you're on your own." Give them things to get them going and let them go. Maybe encourage outside play that's less physical. Sidewalk paint, anyone? 

 Ideas:

• Gardening: a space that's their own over which they can take ownership. Easy and satisfying things to plant include potatoes, radishes, and carrots. Stake it out, bright and colorful, and tell them "this is your spot." They'll love it. If you're short on space (i.e. live in an apartment), buy a pot and seeds. That's their space. 
• Take a handful of pennies and throw them out into the yard. Give them a bucket and a mission: "Go find 'em!" To make it really exciting, give them a magnifying glass. They'll think they're rich and you'll delight in how long it takes them.
• Bury things in your yard and have them dig 'em up. Your yard won't win Backyard of the Year, but your kids could be endlessly entertained, which is a win.
• Go on a treasure hunt or go geocaching. Look it up.  
• Give them a disposable camera and one word: "bugs." 
• Give them a box + tell them to collect things that are green.

Places to go:

• Seattle Children's Play Garden
• Seward Park
• Boeing Creek Park
• Richmond Beach Saltwater Park
• Mercer Island Adventure Playground
• Seattle Waterfront construction (it's safe!)
• Ferry ride
• Bainbridge Island Kiddie Museum or Battlepoint Park

Recommended Reading:

Let Them Be Eaten By Bears: A Fearless Guide to Taking Our Kids into the Great Outdoors by Peter Brown Hoffmeister

Go Outside! by Nancy Blakey

The Down and Dirty Guide to Camping with Kids by Helen Olsson

Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv

The Kids Outdoor Adventure Book: 448 Great Things to Do in Nature Before You Grow Up by Globe Pequot Press

50 Dangerous Things (you should let your child do) by Gever Tulley and Julie Spiegler

15 Minutes Outside: 365 Ways to Get Out of the House and Connect with Your Kids by Rebecca Cohen

I Love Dirt: 52 Activities to Help You and Your Kids Discover the Wonders of Nature by Kennifer Ward