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We all entered into marriage with expectations such as:
- "I'd like him all the time"
- "It'd be like when we were dating, but better"
- My partner will change
- It'll make me happy
- We'll have deep conversations whenever we need to: money, sex, kids, chores
- We shouldn't have conflict
What changes?
- "more to disagree about"
- "relating to our parents and in-laws in a new way"
- finances
- no affection left for each other/less sex
- depression/anxiety
- more work to do
- a whole new role/different person (add "mother"/"parent" to "wife," "sister," "friend," etc.)
When Gottman studied couple after couple in his "love lab," the results were this: 67% of couples had "relationship dissatisfaction" after baby came (affectionately referred to as the "disasters"). But he focused on the 33% that didn't (the "masters").
What's were the 33% doing differently?
- "Masters" built their friendship and
- learned how to handle conflict
- "Love Map" your spouse. Cards are available online to purchase that guide you with questions you answer about your spouse that you have to answer. You get into each other's heads and learn about one another. OR there are also open-ended question cards for deeper discussion.
- Bids--bids are basically anytime a partner tries to engage. When one spouse expresses a "bid," what does the other spouse do with it? Turn away from it or towards it? Examine how you personally turn towards or away from your spouses "bid" to engage in conversation or relationship.
- Emotional bank account--keep a ledger of Deposits and Withdraws. Write down the ways you "deposit" into your spouse vs. how you respond negatively and "withdraw." FYI, there's a 5:1 rule...for every withdraw, you need 5 deposits to make up for it.
- 20 minute debriefing conversation at the end of every day. Stay connected to what's going on in your partner's day.
- Assess personal baggage: what did we learn from our parents that we're repeating?
- Learn how to say what you need versus automatically attacking
- "67% of your arguments are unresolvable"--Gottman Well, that means trying to focus on the ones that you can resolve instead of going 'round and 'round about the same thing that will never get anywhere.
- "Hard startup" vs. "soft startup": think about your approach to conflict. Are you starting off with a harsh blame or is there a way to come into the conversation a bit better?
If you make a change, your spouse changes, too, in order to recalibrate to your change. (Get it?)
"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got."
What can you change?
Rule #1: If it works, don't fix it!
Focus on what works, the problem-free times. What's different?
Rule #2: If it doesn't work, do something different!
- Change ANYTHING. Time of day, location (move your fight to the bathtub and see what happens), who talks (flip a coin and each person gets 10 minutes)
- Make a new step in the sequence. Take a walk, take a break and eat lunch
- Do a 180-degree turn:Identify what hasn't been working and try doing the opposite. Watch what happens!
- Act "as if." Change your expectations. Fill in the blank: "How would I act differently if I expected _______?" (ex. the evening to go well).
- As the old adage goes, actions speak louder than words. If nagging isn't working, what can you do instead?
- Try a different medium. Write vs. talk. See how that's received.
- Feelings are valid, but behavior is chosen. We can put too much emphasis on feelings. Try riding out the feelings and either waiting or doing nothing. "You can act your way into a nee way of feeling. You can't feel your way into a new way of acting."
- As a last resort...what would you change after a divorce? Maybe take a class? Get out more or spend more time with girlfriends? Change it now.
When in doubt, there's a whole Bible full of good ideas on how to treat each other. Consider Philippians 2:1-8 as a great place to start.
Questions
- Can you give an example of something that you are doing RIGHT in your relationship that you should be sure to continue?
- Which example of how to change one thing (time of day, location, structure) during a disagreement (fight) would you be willing to try?
- Do you have an example of a 180-degree turn you think you could make in a problem area?
- Can you think of an instance where you might "act as if?"
- Do you agree that you can choose your actions, in spite of your feelings?
Resources
Family Ties That Bind, a self-help guide to change through Family of Origin therapy by Dr. Ronald W. Richardson
Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver
And Baby Makes Three by John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D
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