Tina Schermer Sellers::I Kissed Shaming Good-Bye

  At our last meeting we heard from Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers, PhD LMFT about "raising shame-free kids while freeing ourselves." With many years of experience under her belt, Tina spoke about what it means to process our own background regarding sex/sexuality and evaluate our approach on that topic with our kids. Her goal is to help others understand the impact of shame and to help kids avoid it.

Click HERE for the recording of Tina's talk.

Enjoy!

We are hard-wired for connection and pleasure...love, joy, the ecstatic and the erotic. God made us that way. From birth to old age, we seek it, crave it. What gets in your way when it comes to connection and pleasure? 

We are beloved, every one of us...

All of creation is imbued with the breath of God; made in God's likeness and image; given to care for creation and each other; and to lean on God's wisdom. IT IS GOOD. (Genesis 1)

• How are you seeing the beloved in yourself? Why is that important?

It is so easy to see the beloved in other people. But remember--we are each radically valuable and radically imperfect, but God doesn't love us any less. And it impacts you and others when we can live into that truth. 

Shame: I am unworthy of love and belonging. 

This starts young. And then we start to modify who we are. Then we can't tolerate others as well. Because if we're not worthy, others are unworthy of love and belonging, too. 

 Shame started early in the church. In our lifetimes, most of us probably remember the "Purity Movement" of the 90's that came from the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. This was an example, for some people, of a "shame" message. Basically, religious shame begins with a message like: "don't feel sexual longing, don't think about it or want them, want only Jesus until you get married." And when young, earnest kids commit to something like that, they kind of end up in trouble. Because then they naturally develop...and they feel like something is wrong with them because they can't stop feeling this. They condemn themselves. And those feelings will go underground. And there's no safe place to talk about it--parents, church, etc. 

So how do we raise our kids?

• Your created nature is beloved
• You are hard-wired for connection and pleasure, love, joy, the ecstatic and the erotic
• Your created call is to learn the art of love
• To know how to tap into the spiritual aspects of touch to strengthen sexual intimacy

Tricks to Shame-Free Kiddos (sexually + spiritually free of shame)

• For Parents
• Frame: The education you didn't get
• 95% of families are silent about sex, or shaming. We have to catch up! We have to educate ourselves on how to talk about it and what kids are up against these days (objectification, consent, etc.) because they're going to learn it somewhere.  

• Name: Find a tribe you can share your story to that will be compassionate and empathetic. Work through it, understand it, and redeem it.
• Claim: take your body back! You are wonderful, different, and do not look like each other! What we're fed is unhelpful and unhealthy, so that we go shopping! Work on it! Don't look back in 20 years and say "I missed it." Love YOU now!
• Aim: Write a new legacy. Not what was passed down to you. To your kids: "You are perfectly made! Now we're going to critically think about it, how we're wired."

• With Kids
• Get a developmental chart and be one year ahead at all times
• The more you can be calm and not reactive, the better. Don't load it. Don't give it more importance or less importance.
• Practice conversations so you don't sweat. 
• Have books all over the house.Make the topic available.
• Plan for "mistakes." They're not mistakes if they're turned into lessons. Make a list of all that you're worried about, the "worst case scenarios." Imagine it happens. How would you have a conversation about that? Don't respond in a way so there's a breach of relationship. You want to remain a resource for them. Handle anything they tell you.
•  Put your relationship BEFORE behaviors and choices. Even if they do something you don't like, watch yourself. Because they will do it without you.

Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers, PhD, LMFT

tinaschermersellers.com

Institute On Intimacy

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Vlasta Hillger::Home Organization

Our last meeting had us running to clean out our pantry and find a home for our keys after hearing from organization expert, Vlasta Hillger. In her experience with Simplify Experts, Vlasta sees plenty of people with varying degrees of disorganization. The effect a cluttered home can have on a person is profound. So let's dig into how to better put things away.

Click HERE for the recording of Vlasta's talk.

Enjoy!

  

Why get organized?

Studies show that when we walk into a cluttered environment, our stress levels rise.

• Less anxiety
• More time 
• Saves money (not buying duplicates!)
• More productivity (when you know where things are, you can get more done)

The Organizing Process

It's overwhelming, but you can do it. Take a deep breath and try out this list.

• Visualize + Strategize--what works best for you? 
• Sort + Purge--make categorized piles of least favorites
• Assign a home--so you can find what you need
• Contain + Label--clear bins so you can see what you've got
• Evaluate + Maintain--is it sustainable? Is it still working for you a few weeks later? 

Rule #1: 80% of capacity = FULL

100% is "overfull", so give yourself room to breathe!

 

Family Landing Zone: make a space for your family calendar and daily odds and ends to live that you need access to all the time. Go visual. Simple is best. For example, make files for all that paper in your life and use labels like "bills to pay," "coupons and gift cards," and "Event RSVPs."  

Kid's Landing Zone: All that stuff has GOT to be contained. And it doesn't have to be Pinterest Perfect. Hooks for their backpacks, cubbies for their shoes, a bulletin board for their school flyers. Make a space where you all know where to find what you/they need.

 

Routines + Rituals

• Routines reduce anxiety
• Create a consistent pattern in every day--a place for everything
• Visual checklists--helps your older kids gain independence
• Place your keys and wallet in the same spot every day
• Start your day with finishing something before beginning something new (i.e. at the end of the day, don't start a new project. Give your living space a state of calm). 

Downsize frequently: Fewer things are better than tons of options for kids. They get overwhelmed. Everyone benefits from keeping it simple and limiting all the stuff. LESS is MORE. 

Experiences over items: Doing things as a family outdoors means you are bringing less in.

In 5 Minutes or Less You Can:  

• Empty the dishwasher and wipe down the counter
• Remove expired medicines from a cabinet
• Declutter a shelf or drawer
• Discard canned foods not used in a year
• Enter addresses into your contact list
• Return two emails
• Clean out your purse
• Set out clothes for the next day

Don't give up! Just take 5 minutes/day and you'll get there eventually.  

See Yourself as the House Manager: Schedule what needs to get done, like paying bills and planning activities. Choose a day or evening dedicated to doing these things (i.e. Sunday night is "bills night.")

 

Chores

• Children can help with chores
• If everyone is involved, the house will run better
•  Adopt a Chore Mantra
• We share the house, we share the benefits, we share the work.
• Your contribution is important and we are counting on you.
• You can do what you want to do as soon as you do what you need to do. 
• If Mama isn't happy, nobody's happy

You

• Take care of yourself! Self-care is critical to your well being. Better input for yourself means better output for your family. So sleep, exercise, eat well, and take those vacation or personal days for leisure (not to take on extra work). 
• Get support where you need it. Outsource the housework, yard work, childcare, carpooling, or tutoring. This is the key to mom's happiness.

Turns out this topic spurs up plenty of questions in all of us, so here are some other talking points we covered in the Q & A...

//Keepsakes: keep or toss? 

   -choose the best "version" of your kid's product (the BEST scribble of 100)

   -take a photo as a digital keepsake

   -don't keep macaroni

   -create a binder with sheet protectors for a special test or their first story

//Gifts you receive

   -Don't feel guilt to keep that wedding gift from your great aunt Mildred.

   -Your responsibility to a gift is saying "thank you" and sending a card. Be free not to like it.

   -Let it go.

//When can kids start sorting things?

   -Make it fun/a game/play ("let's put cars and trains in this bin! Yay!")

   -Make it a habit

//Rule of thumb for "what if I need it later?" or "this could be useful someday"

   -work through why you're holding onto things. Some thing are genuinely more important than others. Some are decidedly not.

 

//Toys + Clothes

   -Sort toys no one's playing with/clothes you're not wearing. Put them in a bin. Look at them 6 months later. Did you miss it? Will you really use it/wear it?

  -Think about it: every time you look at that pile of clothes or toys, it's a "To Do" that burdens us. 

  -If you haven't worn it in a season, you might not actually like it. THAT sweater? It's not gonna be any cuter, the longer it sits around.

  -Cycle through toys! 

 

//LEGOS

   -put them in smaller bins, not one big bin, so that if your kids pour them all out, it's not from one big bin (ALL THE LEGOS)

  -they're less likely to dump out a wider, not-as-deep-bin because they can see everything already

  -get a Lego mat. 

 

//Pictures

   -Be easy on yourself

   -sort your pictures on the computer by year and you'll know how to find stuff easier than "Easter"

   -Google Photo sorts pics for you

   -pick a small period of time to print or make a book, not they're entire childhood

   -My Social Book takes FB photos and comments, makes cheap photo book

   -Make a digital slideshow of photo albums and home movies, put it on a DVD. Kids are more likely to watch that than look at an album. And you can capture several years in 20 minutes.

 

//Art Supplies

  -Has anyone used it in 3 years? 

  -Is it for adults? If not, how likely are the kids to use it?

  -Make an art station for kids. They need a zone.  

 

Further Discussion 

• Do you think clutter and disorganization add to household stress? 
• What room or area in your home would benefit from decluttering?
• What strategies do you use to keep your household running smoothly? (i.e. family calendar, family landing zone, etc.)