At our last meeting we heard from Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers, PhD LMFT about "raising shame-free kids while freeing ourselves." With many years of experience under her belt, Tina spoke about what it means to process our own background regarding sex/sexuality and evaluate our approach on that topic with our kids. Her goal is to help others understand the impact of shame and to help kids avoid it.
Click HERE
for the recording of Tina's talk.
Enjoy!
We are hard-wired for connection and pleasure...love, joy, the ecstatic and the erotic. God made us that way. From birth to old age, we seek it, crave it. What gets in your way when it comes to connection and pleasure?
We are beloved, every one of us...
All of creation is imbued with the breath of God; made in God's likeness and image; given to care for creation and each other; and to lean on God's wisdom. IT IS GOOD. (Genesis 1)
- How are you seeing the beloved in yourself? Why is that important?
It is so easy to see the beloved in other people. But remember--we are each radically valuable and radically imperfect, but God doesn't love us any less. And it impacts you and others when we can live into that truth.
Shame: I am unworthy of love and belonging.
This starts young. And then we start to modify who we are. Then we can't tolerate others as well. Because if we're not worthy, others are unworthy of love and belonging, too.
Shame started early in the church. In our lifetimes, most of us probably remember the "Purity Movement" of the 90's that came from the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. This was an example, for some people, of a "shame" message. Basically, religious shame begins with a message like: "don't feel sexual longing, don't think about it or want them, want only Jesus until you get married." And when young, earnest kids commit to something like that, they kind of end up in trouble. Because then they naturally develop...and they feel like something is wrong with them because they can't stop feeling this. They condemn themselves. And those feelings will go underground. And there's no safe place to talk about it--parents, church, etc.
So how do we raise our kids?
- Your created nature is beloved
- You are hard-wired for connection and pleasure, love, joy, the ecstatic and the erotic
- Your created call is to learn the art of love
- To know how to tap into the spiritual aspects of touch to strengthen sexual intimacy
Tricks to Shame-Free Kiddos (sexually + spiritually free of shame)
- For Parents
- Frame: The education you didn't get
- 95% of families are silent about sex, or shaming. We have to catch up! We have to educate ourselves on how to talk about it and what kids are up against these days (objectification, consent, etc.) because they're going to learn it somewhere.
- Name: Find a tribe you can share your story to that will be compassionate and empathetic. Work through it, understand it, and redeem it.
- Claim: take your body back! You are wonderful, different, and do not look like each other! What we're fed is unhelpful and unhealthy, so that we go shopping! Work on it! Don't look back in 20 years and say "I missed it." Love YOU now!
- Aim: Write a new legacy. Not what was passed down to you. To your kids: "You are perfectly made! Now we're going to critically think about it, how we're wired."
- With Kids
- Get a developmental chart and be one year ahead at all times
- The more you can be calm and not reactive, the better. Don't load it. Don't give it more importance or less importance.
- Practice conversations so you don't sweat.
- Have books all over the house.Make the topic available.
- Plan for "mistakes." They're not mistakes if they're turned into lessons. Make a list of all that you're worried about, the "worst case scenarios." Imagine it happens. How would you have a conversation about that? Don't respond in a way so there's a breach of relationship. You want to remain a resource for them. Handle anything they tell you.
- Put your relationship BEFORE behaviors and choices. Even if they do something you don't like, watch yourself. Because they will do it without you.
Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers, PhD, LMFT
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