Rebecca Hoyt:: Big Feelings in Our Small People

Parent Educator, Rebecca Hoyt, spent her morning with us and shared about how to support our little ones and their big emotions. Believe it or not, "Thinking of your child as behaving badly disposes you to think of punishment. Thinking of your child as struggling to handle something difficult encourages you to help them through distress."--Author Unknown. 

Rebecca says that "If we can radically change our thinking about misbehavior, we allow ourselves to be physically and emotionally available to our children in their most vulnerable moments. This partnering can help children navigate their way through difficult feelings and challenges rather than avoid distress."

Are you hooked yet? Click below for her full talk and be prepared to glean a ton!  
 

Click HERE for the recording of Rebecca's talk.

Enjoy!

"Instead of thinking of those big tantrums as acting out or misbehaviors, they're really an indication to us that our child has a skill deficit. It's not something they know how to do, and they need us to know how to do it."--Rebecca Hoyt

 Agitation: The gas pedal is starting to accelerate as demonstrated by frustration or opposition.
Objective: Be empathetic, establish limits to guide behavior, engage senses in a soothing way, and help problem-solve.
Skills: 

• Be present--Get close enough to be comforting but not threatening
• Stay calm--Your calm demeanor will help her feel safe
• Keep words simple--Don't flood her already overstimulated senses
• Say what you see--"You want to play with the dump truck but someone has it."
• State a limit--"We do not grab toys away from someone."
• Coach an alternative option: "Can you ask for a turn?"
• Offer a choice--"Would you like to wait for a turn or check out the slide?"
• Praise--"That was tough but you asked for a turn and it worked! She gave you the truck!"

[If trouble viewing, click here to enlarge slides.]  

Nancy Eckhardt::Finding Your Fire

For our second speaker of the year, we heard from Nancy Eckhardt about her life journey of "finding her fire." If you take nothing else away from Nancy's story, it's her encouragement to us moms that though our fires may be embers during this season of parenting small kiddos, God is writing a bigger story with our lives and will fan those sparks into flames when the timing is right. In the end, Nancy reflects on how life means not following "the plan," but following God. Oh, and it may not always look the way we thought it was going to. So, there's that. :)

Click HERE for the recording of Nancy's talk.

Enjoy!

FURTHER DISCUSSION

• When have you had to let go of expectations in order to move into a new future? What emotions are part of this process?
• When have you experienced the fulfillment of a dream?
• When have you seen a dream fulfilled, but in a very unexpected way?
• When you think of fire as refining, warming, or guiding, how have you experienced yourself being refined, warmed and/or guided by the fire in your life?
• How might the work of fire that God is doing in your life right now be impacting those around you?
• Do you have plans that have taken a back burner in this season of life? How are you tending to them?

Marisa Gronholz::Spiritual Health for Moms

To open our MOPS season with a bang, we had UPC's own Marisa Gronholz talk to us about "engaging the spiritual disciplines." There are quite a few, but Marisa guides us through each one while including helpful identifiers we may need to point out areas for spiritual growth.

Click HERE for the recording of Marisa's talk.

Enjoy!

 

What are Spiritual Disciplines?

“Our task is not to transform ourselves, but to stay connected with God in as much
of life as possible. As we pay attention to the nudges of the Holy Spirit, we become
disciples of Christ. Our task is to do the connecting, while God does the perfecting.
We connect with God through Spiritual Disciplines.” –Jan Johnson

 

We've all heard the "Oxygen Mask" analogy (place yours on first before helping others or else you'll be NO HELP!). The thing is...yes, you have to put it on. But you have to put it on the right way. Spiritual disciplines help hone that "right way" of being in tune with God and truly engaging in his work in your life.  So...

 

ORTHOPRAXY: "right practice"

Think about..."What am I? Introvert/extrovert? What is my life like right now?"

“The question we need to ask ourselves in any spiritual discipline is, ‘What does God want to
accomplish in me through this practice?”—Marjorie Thompson  

 

::MEDITATION

“Meditation is the ability to hear God’s voice and obey God’s word. What happens in meditation is
that we create the emotional and spiritual space which allows Christ to construct an inner sanctuary
in the heart.” Renovare ministries

HELPFUL FOR: 

   -stimulation overload 

   -discernment 

   -confusion 

   -feeling overwhelmed   

 

::PRAYER

“The interactive conversation with God about what we are doing together.”-Renovare Ministries
 

HELPFUL FOR IF YOU:  

   -are feeling disconnected from God 

   -need discernment 

   -are overwhelmed with your life and/or the cares of the world 

   -don’t know what to do about ____     

::FASTING

“The voluntary denial of an otherwise normal function for the sake of intense spiritual
activity. Spiritual, not about others. Is is God-initiated and God centered.”—Renovare

 

HELPFUL FOR IF YOU ARE:

   -feeling addicted to social media or other media

   -are in a bad pattern or habit
   -a word about food and drinks—if you struggle with food disorders or alcohol—there is
other help available and this discipline would not be helpful in those cases

::STUDY

“ The mind taking on an order conforming to the order of whatever we concentrate upon. The
discipline of study is not about amassing information. Experience it, learn from it, be changed by it.
Study books, nature, relationships, events and cultural values as well as the Bible.”—Richard Foster

HELPFUL FOR IF YOU:
   -feel bored by motherhood
   -feel like you aren’t experiencing life to the full
   -are missing what your life used to be before kids

::SIMPLICITY

“An inward reality that results in an outward lifestyle. Simplicity results in a joyful unconcern for
possessions. Possessions are viewed as gifts, the focus is on stewardship and making our goods
available to others.” --Renovare
HELPFUL FOR IF YOU:
   -are struggling with materialism
   -feel envy
   -feel overwhelmed by “stuff”
   -are misplacing and losing things a lot 

::SOLITUDE

“An open relational space for being found by God and freed from competing loyalties”--Ortberg
HELPFUL FOR IF YOU:
   -have had too much people time
   -feel distracted and pulled in too many directions
   -are struggling to hear God over all of the noise
   -need a social media or news “ break”
   -are totally “done” with your kids/husband/some form of the two! 

::SUBMISSION

“ The discipline which forces us to let go of the burden of always needing to get our own way.”
–Jan Johnson
HELPFUL FOR:
   -if you struggle with being controlling
   -if you struggle with trusting others 

::SERVICE

“The many little deaths of going beyond ourselves, which produces in us the virtue of humility,
hospitality, loving-kindness, giving up the need to be in charge.”--Renovare
HELPFUL FOR:
   -if you struggle with being stingy with your time, talents, or treasure
   -you long to use your talents and gifts outside of your mothering
   -you struggle with being controlling 

::CONFESSION

“Experiencing the grace and mercy of God for healing the sins and sorrows of the
past.”--Foster

HELPFUL FOR IF YOU:
   -you are struggling with guilt and shame
   -you are carrying the burdens of secrets
   -you feel alone

::WORSHIP/GRATITUDE

“Entering into the supra-natural experience, of the Shekynah, or glory, of God.” This isn’t just about
Sunday. It is about experiencing the glory of God every day with our gratitude for all that God has done for us."

“Gratitude goes beyond the 'mine' and 'thine' and claims the truth that all of life is a pure gift. In the past I always thought of gratitude as a spontaneous response to the awareness of gifts received, but now I realize that gratitude can also be lived as a discipline. The discipline of gratitude is the explicit effort to acknowledge that all I am and have is given to me as a gift of love, a gift to be celebrated with joy.” --Nouwen

HELPFUL FOR IF YOU:
   -you are struggling with feeling ungrateful

   -you feel lonely
   -you need to be reminded of who God is

::CELEBRATION

“A lifestyle of walking and leaping, and praising God (Acts 3:8) It is about having joy in
remembering and in marking milestones.” --Renovare

HELPFUL FOR IF YOU: 

   -feel lonely and alone but long for relationships
   -are struggling with ingratitude
   -feel like life is moving too fast
   -feel overwhelmed with the “bad” of our world

FURTHER DISCUSSION

• Of all of these, what are one or two that you sense God might be calling you to practice? Why do you sense that is?
• How would you need to INTEND for that to happen? What would you need to do? Who would you need to ask for help or resources?

Refresh Registration!

Hey, ladies!

In case you missed it, check out all of the Refresh Bible study info below. We will begin next month and we can't wait to dive into God's Word with you!

• Starts Tuesday, November 13th (meets on the 2nd and 4th Tuesdays of the month, the “off Tuesdays” from MOPS)
• 9:30-11:30am
• Childcare provided
• Cost: $45, partial scholarships available.
• Register HERE!!!!
• Registration deadline: October 30th

Registration is open for 2018-2019!

It's that time again!

We know you've been counting the minutes until this moment and it's finally here.

Registration is open for the 2018-19 MOPS season!

Join us for another year of food, fellowship, and encouragement.

Don't wait--sign up to claim your spot!

To register, CLICK HERE.

Summer Play Dates at the Park!

As our MOPS year has come to an end, we look forward to a summer of play dates!

Each month we will meet at a new park from 10:00-11:30am and enjoy the (fingers crossed) sunshine. Look for the zebra stripe and pink polka dot tablecloth, and a host to greet you. Also, feel free to bring your friends who may want to check out MOPS. It's the perfect setting to get to know other moms in an informal way and see what we're all about before the fall. See you there!

JUNE:: Paramount Park

15300 8th Ave NE, Shoreline

 June 5

June 19

JULY:: Maple Leaf Park

1020 NE 82nd St

 July 3

July17

July 31 

AUGUST:: Northacres Park & Spray Park

12718 1st Ave N

August 7

August 21

SEPTEMBER:: Matthew's Beach

5100 NE 93rd St

September 4

September 18

Tina Sellers:: The Five T's of Pleasure

Well, to end our MOPS year with some light and uncomplicated material, we got to hear from the beloved Dr. Tina Sellers about "Who's Got Time for Pleasure When You're Pooped and Knee-Deep in Poo?" She's considered somewhat of an intimacy guru and in this phase of life, we could use all the help we can get, amiright?

And because she's Tina Sellers, there aint no way I can do her talk justice, you ya'll had just better take a listen. You'll find some simple notes below.

Click HERE for the recording of Tina's talk. 

Find her other MOPS talks HERE and HERE. 

Search for "Tina Sellers" on the player page to find even more content!

Enjoy!

 

Right now, in this season of life, we're balancing it all. Our arms are full, our bodies are spent, and we're being pulled in every direction. It's just true--even when we attempt to slow down, motherhood just keeps going. So, it begs the question: how in the world do we try to capture ourselves when we're doing all of this? How do we not lose ourselves? 

 

We are at serious risk of burnout, friends. The world is telling us that the most important things in life are our work and our parenting, when in reality the most crucial things to pay attention to are ourselves and our marriages. People think the only time you give to you or your relationship is when you're in crisis. DON'T WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE IN CRISIS.

 

We are burning out.

We are exhausted, physically and emotionally. We struggle from fatigue or insomnia. Our immune systems are shot and we suffer from anxiety and/or depression. 

We are cynical and detached. We have lost any sense of enjoyment, have turned into pessimists, isolate ourselves and detach (i.e. "we are over here, life is over there."). 

We see signs of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment. We feel apathetic and hopeless, are increasingly irritable, and feel a true lack of productivity and a real sense of poor performance. 

Damn.

If you identify with any of that, hear this: The success of everything else in your life rests on the health of YOU and YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

So what do we do? Well "The Five T's of Pleasure," of course.

TIME

• Margin of Renewal: Between emotional resources, financial resources, physical resources, and time, where is my margin of renewal? Because I need one. If I don't have one, I have to push back on the box to make one. No "alone time" breeds alienation, resentment, and distance. 
• Read the signs of chronic stress in your body. Here's what gets affected (to name a few):
• Metabolism
• Immunity
• Circulation
• Kidney function
• Brain function
• We have to be making space for healthy bodies and healthy physical relationships with our partners. We can only "take out" what we already have. If we're running on empty, we cannot give to the places that matter most.
• Think of the Top Three Things that you do for restoration and relaxation. 
• Figure out things that take 5-15 minutes to an hour and do those weekly. Do something once a month that takes all day. Do it.

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your

   knees

   for a hundred miles through the

   desert repenting

You only have to let the soft animal of

   your body

   love what it loves.

 

from Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

 

THINKING & TALKING

• We make our lives out of what we think. We will go wherever our thoughts go. If we wake up with dread and assume the worst about the day, it is likely to unfold that way.
• The same is true about our sexuality. If we're thinking of fun things rather than the opposite, we'd probably be surprised. 
• Sexuality is located in the same part of the brain as creativity and play. 
• We need to ask ourselves: Do I connect with  that (sexual) part of me at all?
• We need to talk with our partners about what we like and don't like. Believe it or not, they care and want us to be happy. 
• "This will make me happy." Invite them into your pleasure, then who knows.

TOUCH & TRYSTS

• There are times to go another round, and there are times to quit beating that horse and to "let it go." Stop talking. Save it, sit down later. But right now,  hold each other. Through touch, neoro-biology corrects. 
• Touch given out of love for the purpose of healing is powerful. Sending the message of "I just want to hold you and love you" will do millions more for your relationship than fighting to the death.
• Women are sexually satisfied by erotic loving touch. But in marriage, it withers. 
• Make it fun. 
• "I don't want to do that, I want to do this."
• Make a deal: "It can be your way ____ often, then my way ____ often."
• Explore, experiment.
• Don't take anything too seriously. 
• Don't get weird about it. Be silly. If we get upset about it, it's gonna be hard.
  

Summer Nutrition

The sun is shining. The temperature is climbing. And you know what that means: snacking outside or in the car on the way to the water park. Looking for healthy options to feed your kids on-the-go? Katie delivered. At our last meeting, we made some yummy snacks our kids might actually eat. Good luck! :)

Frozen Yogurt Dipped Blueberries

~~~
No-Bake Oatmeal Energy Balls

~~~
Apple Cookies

~~~
Smoothie

~~~
Trail Mix

Self Defense with Alpha Martial Arts

Our last meeting was loud and unlady-like, and that was exactly the point. We heard from Annie and Allyson and their team from Alpha Martial Arts about how to defend ourselves in unsafe situations and how to follow through when we know something isn't right. They were badass and firm and gave us permission to be the same if our wellbeing is threatened. In case we forgot, they reminded us that we deserve to be safe at all times, are worthy of respect, and in the event someone decides differently, then their eyes/nose/throat/groin/knees will pay the price. #sorrynotsorry

 Click HERE for the recording of Annie and Allyson's instruction.

Enjoy!

Concepts and Techniques:

You are worthy of love and respect

Use your voice and body (hands up, step back) assertively to set your boundaries

Hit hard and viciously to EYES, THROAT, and KNEES or other vulnerable areas on the body.

USE WHAT’S FREE: the hard part of your Palm, Knees, Eye Gouge, Elbows or Kicks to get away

On the ground keep your feet in between you and the attacker and kick like crazy

BE LOUD and USE WHAT’S FREE - Keep fighting until it works

Tell somebody you trust about what happened 

And remember, it is never the survivor’s fault if an attack occurs. We have the right to our own voice, our own boundaries, and to our own safety! 

A few notes from the Q&A...
How do we teach our kids to be safe without scaring them?

• "Stop or I'll tell": whether it's a schoolyard bully or an adult with bad intentions, these words have profound affect when said to those who make our kids feel unsafe. Teach them this phrase to use if they feel threatened.
• As you go through practice scenarios, ask them what they think so you learn how much they know. "Who can you talk to if _________ happens?" "What about the people who work there? How would you know who that is?"

What if we're observing something happening to someone else? What do we do?

• Direct: Intervene yourself.
• Distract: Dance around, cause a scene, get loud. Distract the perpetrator.
• Delegate: Grab the hand of your buddy and get those around you to act. Call 911.

Further Discussion

1. What was your favorite drill? Why?
2. Did you learn anything about yourself that you didn't know before? If so, how has that impacted your perspective?
3. As women, what social pressures/gender constructs have you struggled against the most? How do you think that has affected your inner voice/intuition?
4. How does self defense demonstrate God's love for yourself and others as fellow image bearers of Christ, clothes in strength and dignity?
5. As Christians, women especially have been taught to act in a very specific and limited way. How has your perspective been impacted today, regarding your identity as a child of God?
6. If you could teach one thing to your friends or family, what would it be?
7. Homework: go ahead and teach them!

Alpha Martial Arts

Follow them on Facebook!

Elizabeth + Lynn:: A CanCan Health Education Party

At our last meeting, we met two amazing women: Elizabeth and Lynn. Together, they put faces and facts to what we all know to be a real threat to our health: cancer. These ladies from the Rivkin Center for Ovarian Cancer threw us a CanCan Education Party to give us the lowdown on knowing our bodies and signs of trouble. In this season of caring for small children and putting ourselves last, they stressed the importance of keeping tabs on ourselves and prioritizing our wellness along with our family's. Their wisdom and techniques could save a life and we hope you took away some helpful tools for assessing yourself in the years to come.

 Click HERE for the recording of Elizabeth and Lynn's talk.

Enjoy!

How do we recognize if anything is out of sorts in our bodies? How do we get a baseline to work from so that we know if something stands out?

Know Yourself

• Know your body, know your body, know your body!
• No one knows your body better than you. Get quiet with yourself sometimes to know if something has changed. Take the time to know the "ins and outs" so you're aware if something is not right.

Find a Healthcare Provider

• You need someone who can advocate with you.

Know Your Family History

• Seek out Mom and Dad, both sides of your family if possible, to write down the family tree of health history. It's important to know where you come from and where you might be at risk. We need to know what genes we're carrying around to be aware.

Breast Exams

• Check in all positions, monthly.
• Get to know your breast tissue. Everyone is different. Understand what is "normal" for you so you're tuned in if something stands out.
• Girl Scout Sign/3-Fingers Method:  Use your first three fingers to do the exam. Your ring finger is the most sensitive to pick up changes.
• 3 Levels of Feeling: light feeling, a little deeper, and a little deeper still. *don't hurt yourself!
• Pattern: start in back (don't forget--breast tissue is back there!) and work your way to the front. Then, up and down. It's like painting a wall. Don't miss any area with 3 levels of pressure.

• Don't ignore your nipples!
• Look for abnormal discharge

• If you notice any skin color changes that are different for you, get it checked. Don't wait.

Ovarian Cancer
The most lethal of all the gynecological cancers, symptoms can be challenging to pick up because they mimic so many other maladies. This is where it is important to be quiet and still with your body. Pay attention so you know if anything is out of order.

Potential symptoms:

• Bloating that doesn't go away
• Marked pain (sharp, dull) in front or back below the belt
• Less appetite/full quickly 
• Pressure, need to urinate frequently

Key:

• Persistent: from 10 days to 2 weeks
• Progressive

You can have other signs and symptoms, too, that aren't normal. Ex. extreme fatigue, diarrhea, constipation, etc.

If you need to get checked out and are having a hard time taking that step, the CanCan ladies will go with you! They are available to you at no cost and will be your advocate. Reach out!

Rivkin Center for Ovarian Cancer

www.rivkin.org

Email: info@rivkin.org

Phone: (206) 215-6200

Brene Brown::The Power of Vulnerability

In case you missed our last meeting, we watched Brene Brown's viral TED talk "The Power of Vulnerability." She's witty, she's relateable, and she inspires fascinating introspection. What is it about whole-hearted people? Let's find out.

Watch it! You won't be disappointed!

Further Discussion

1. Brene Brown says, "In order to have connection, we have to allow ourselves to be seen." Where in your life are you struggling to be seen?
2. Vulnerability requires giving up control. Sometimes, we value the illusion of control over connection. How does the urge to control create barriers for connection in your life?
3. How do you think that living a whole-hearted life would change your parenting? You marriage?

Debbie Symons::Kids+Faith

Debbie is a wife, mother, long-time church-goer, and former MOPS mentor mom. We love her. And we really love it when she takes the time to share her wisdom on how we can grow our kid's faith. Really, what will make their faith stick? As we navigate this world with tiny people, we are all praying and hoping that anything we're doing is gonna leave a mark...Debbie gave us practical advice and comforting anecdotes that reminded us that no one is perfect (least of all Christians, ahem) and we're probably doing better than we think we are.

 Click HERE for the recording of Debbie's talk.

Enjoy!

 

How will my child(ren)'s faith...

• become real?
• grow?
• become his/her own?
• stick?

Well, all you have to do is...

• conduct morning devotions
• pray together every single night without exception
• play Christian music
• framed verses on the wall
• attend church every week on time

JUST KIDDING

 

Guys, these things are good, yes. But they are not imperative to raising kids of faith. Books and blogs (not this one) and articles can make you feel like you're doing it all wrong. In reality, if you're worried about it at all, chances are good that you're already doing things that will leave a mark on your children. Take heart--you are already doing things that are leaving an impact.

 

FUN FACT: There are about 1,000 weeks from birth to launching off to college. Whoa! You can either see that as a long time or a short time, but either way, it's a finite amount of time to have influence over them. Where to start?

 

Relationships

• with God
• with your spouse
• with kids
• with others

Yes, there is a degree of dysfunction in every family. No one is perfect, and still connection with this list is needed. God uses us to tell his story, even in our mess. To demonstrate His power, His love, and His goodness through our imperfections.

 

Also, let's be encouraged by the fact that there aren't a ton of  "perfect parents" in the Bible. Noah, Abraham, Jacob, David, etc. all had their challenges with their kids. BIG challenges (more than dealing with picky eaters and tantrums). Even on our worst day, let's remember that all us parents are  just trying our best and need God.

 

In today's world, it's easy to fall into one of two traps: "What can I GIVE to my kids" and "what can I DO for my kids?" But are we really focusing on what is developing inside of our children? And what legacy we're leaving them?

• We want them to be socially adept, experientially rich, and academically well-rounded.  
• That's not all bad, but there's a balance. It's important to keep that balance in mind.  
• Am I robbing my children of what really makes them come alive? Like time with me and relationships in favor of running around to All The Things. 

Not only can that lead to burnout early in life, but there's a risk of becoming relationally poor to be experientially rich.

You gotta leave room for God. 

Build Community

• Consistency on Sundays/Sunday community
• family camp
• volunteering on a team (Sunday school)
• small family group 
• those families/caring adults are invested in your kids' lives 

 They see you involved, so it's automatic to them.

Serve in Community

• with your small group (Easter Cheer, mini missions)
• Their serving alongside someone who isn't you. 
• Intergenerational mission trip
• summer mission for kids 
• kids discover their niche/gifts
• maybe they teach Sunday school
• encouraged by their adult team members

Nurture Community

•  5 to 1--5 adults investing in my child's life

No matter what, it's all about God and his grace and what He's doing in their life. Your kids have a front row seat to God's presence in your life as an example of who He can be in their life. 

Ask God to show you those encouraging things where things are moving. Because they are.

Further Discussion

• How do you build relationships within your family?
• Within your community?
• Is there something you would like to tryout/change?

Resources 

Think Orange by Reggie Joiner

Scott + Marisa Gronholz::Marriage

I am more than a little sad to say that because of the silly flu, I missed hearing this talk in person. BUT lucky for us, it was recorded! So go ahead and pour some coffee with me and we'll listen together.

 Click HERE for the recording of Scott and Marisa's talk.

Enjoy!

[Note: Just as a heads up, the audio can get a bit quiet during their talk. Be ready with earbuds for the most direct sound-to-ear listening!]

Mentor Mom Panel

These ladies need no introduction. They sit among us every other week, offering encouragement and prayer, insight and baby-holding. Every year they gather at the front and graciously answer our questions with comforting honesty.  Without further ado, lets revisit their their nuggets of knowledge.

On favorite family traditions:

• Share Christmas Eve with neighbors, especially if you are without local family. Neighbors become your family!
• Act out the Christmas story. Get the little ones in on it. If you have an ancient chapel on your country property that's been in the family for generations, even better. 
• Take the long way to a local hotel and spend the weekend. The kids will think they're on a distant adventure!
• Family reunions
• Celebrate St. Valentine's Day w/ Secret Valentines (like Secret Santa) and a special dinne
• Vacation with long-time friends and their families. This tradition can go on for years.
• Easter egg hunt for the whole family (even the 80-year-olds). 
• Everyone gets clues for their last Christmas present. A scavenger hunt helps slow it all down!

On proud Mom Moments:

• Adventurous parenting style...always going to museums, the beach, the zoo. Also, exposed them to real life.
• Didn't yell...got angry, yes, but kept the voice down. 
• Home organization
• Grace.
• Parented with the husband.
• Always available.
• Lots of prayer...mornings in prayer, nights in prayer, seeking God's good grace and praying for the family.
• Activities that were fun for all and gave everyone life, not just the kids (i.e. walking, being outside, etc.)

On making time for yourself as a mom:

• Don't be afraid to hire/ask for help! See those opportunities as NAB them--get away for the day and breathe!
• Go out with friends. 
• Bible study (hire a babysitter for your small group so you can focus), Bible Study Fellowship or Community Bible Study (both have childcare)
• Create a co-op playgroup...four moms, rotating childcare duties so three moms had a free morning. 
• Quiet time every day, for the kids and yourself
• Grab some dessert and catch up with your husband after the kids area in bed. Play games and connect.
• Accept help from those who offer. 
• Create a routine out of something you enjoy (i.e. walk regularly with a walking buddy)

On making time for marriage:

•  It's easy to be distracted by everything else, but make time for it! Or you'll regret it.
• Get up early and sit in the hot tub. 
• Make a regular date night...the kids can come to expect it and see Mom and Dad making their relationship a priority.
• To make a date night possible, enlist friends who are currently sans kids as childcare. Or for friends with kids, trade! 
• Take time away. Make it frequent and make it varied. Remember why you like each other.
• Remember it gives your kids the opportunity to foster relationships with the other people (caregivers) in their lives. 

On relationships with in-laws:

• Examine expectations. It can be complicated because you make it complicated and are disappointed at the outcome. What can help grow good relationships? Listening to their stories and trying to understand.
• There is only one person you can change in a relationship and you can't change a relationship you are not in. Look for the things that are positive among the difficult. Choose what you take away and learn.
• For those long-distant in-laws, it can take time for both you your kids to know them well. But you will. 

And, of course, we wanted their recipes! Check this one out--a fan favorite...

Fiesta Chicken Soup

Recipe By: Myra

Ingredients:
1 chopped onion
2 cloves minced garlic
1 Tablespoons Vegetable oil
1 31 oz can refried beans
2 14.5 oz cans petite diced tomatoes
1 14.5 oz can petite diced tomatoes w/ mild green chilis
14.5 ounces chicken broth
4 cups chopped cooked chicken (rotisserie chicken, anyone?)
6 corn tortillas

Directions:
Saute onion and garlic in hot oil till tender.  Add beans and all other ingredients (but tortillas), bring to a boil, and simmer for 15 minutes.

Top with cilantro, sour cream, and Monterrey jack

optional - tortillas (or chips)
Cut tortillas into strips and grease.  Bake at 350 for 15 minutes. Or just use chips. Really.

Laura Johnston:: Surrender

Gang, I don't know about you, but when I meet someone as raw and vulnerable as the lovely Laura Johnston, I pay attention. Too often these days, life is filtered and edited on our screens, distancing us from what is true and real. But Laura came with her heart and story on her sleeve, not claiming to have all the answers but believing there's only one answer anyway: Jesus. Her powerful testimony reminds us that through the ups and downs, we can claim grace and trust in Him and He'll get us through to the other side. One way or another. Amen.

*No audio is available for this talk. Please enjoy a written recap below!*

Laura's story began with this: throughout it all, God was there. She can see it now. The thread through everything, especially the low points and when she thought there was nowhere else to go but gone, God's hand was present. 

God, I offer myself to Thee — to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do thy will always. 

-- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63.

"Be the light."

Little Laura grew up in a family of four and from an early age, sought identity in achievement. In academics and athletics, she excelled for approval. Middle school brought challenges we're all familiar with and some we're not, to the point where she wasn't sure she wanted there to be a tomorrow. But God did and stepped in. Next came youth group, where she started to see God in it all and began to accept God's love as enough. 

His message to her? "Be the light." She found peace in that.

"Stop trying to fix it."

As life went on, Laura fell into familiar patterns, losing herself in her husband, her job, and having the perfect garden. There were also triathlons. Ever the athlete, it was her outlet and a way to achieve. Then life took many, many curve balls. Terminal illness in her family, marital crisis, and a car accident brought Laura to the bottom. 

Again, she heard God's voice. "Stop trying to fix it." Through all the anger and sadness, God gave her tools. From a praying doctor to the 12 step program, God reached for her. The message was clear: "You are separate from everything. Everything and everyone else does not define you." Hard to believe, considering she didn't feel separate from anything when kids were attached 24/7. Value was hard to measure if not in the job, the kids, the husband, the triathlons.

"It wasn't about everything I did, but who I was. I wasn't enough. In any way. But that didn't mean I wasn't loved."

“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation —some fact of my life —unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism [powerlessness], I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”

--found in the AA Big Book, p. 417 (Alcoholics Anonymous, Fourth edition)

Turns out it's not about changing/fixing everyone else. 

Changes that worked:

• Responsible for me alone
• My job is to go to God, surrender to God. All of it. Let go of controlling because my happiness isn't dependent on someone else. No more "future catastrophizing," just take in the present for what it is. Breathe. Make space.

•  Pray throughout the day
• Serenity prayer
• Resentment prayer--pray the best for your enemies. Like you would pray for yourself. Watch what happens.

• Stay on your own property
• Focus on your side of the street. There's plenty of your own stuff to worry about without seeing the flaws in your neighbor's life.

• None of my business what other's think about me.
• be free
• listen to what God has for you
• surrender judgements
• focus outward on blessing others

• Engage with others
• Get outside. Move.
• Believe the truth God has for you. 

Ladies, we've heard it before but it bears repeating: just Let Go and Let God. 

You are beautiful, beloved, & enough. 

Just as you are.

Terry McNichols:: Relationships

We've had the pleasure of hearing from our own Super Mentor Mom, Terry McNichols, in year's past. She shares wisdom through her lens as a therapist and mom, wife, daughter, and friend. Rare is it that anyone has the messy job of relationships figured out, especially the side where we maintain who we are in the midst of them. Catch up on Terry's talk with the help of her notes as we navigate each other and those we love.

*No audio is available for this talk. Please enjoy a written recap below!*

Kicking off her talk with a paragraph from her favorite book, Family Ties That Bind:A self-help guide to change through Family of Origin Therapy. The gist is this...

"The more we react to others, the more we lose touch with our own goals and become caught in other people's agendas for us. The ability to be close to others and yet not become enmeshed in their opinions, wants, and evaluations is the sign of an emotionally mature person. Therapists call it being 'differentiated," like a cell that separates itself from another cell, but stays in contact."

So, to be able to identify and pursue what you want for yourself (to be yourself) while maintaining a close relation with others is one of the major goals of Family of Origin work. Most of us are able to do only one of these things at a time. We either conform in order to be close, or cut off in order to be ourselves.

A Differentiated Person
A differentiated person can be themselves--they do not think change is an admission of inadequacy.
Attributes:

• Goal-directed
• Clarify your own values and decide what is important to you.
• Able to choose how you want to be and not be controlled by approval or disapproval of others. 

•  Distinguishing between thinking and feeling
• considers pros and cons and makes rational decisions because they can distinguish between thoughts and feelings.
• Do not insist others live by their beliefs
• Don't become defensive or aggressive with someone who has different beliefs
• Can choose whether or not to act on feelings

A Relationship-Oriented Person
Someone who is less mature and depends exclusively on others to provide them with a sense of worth and self-esteem.
Attributes:

• Obsessed with approval and praise, with loving and being loved.
• Overly sensitive
• See signs of rejection in minor differences between themselves and loved ones. 
•  Distinguishing between thinking and feeling
• Can't make distinction between thoughts and feelings
• "I feel that you reject me" is not a feeling. It's an interpretation. Any time "that" follows "feel," it's a thought not a feeling. Feelings are always about yourself; they cannot be about someone else.
• We create feelings entirely by ourselves.

The opposite of DIFFERENTIATION is FUSION.  This means you're stuck in the tar of a relationship.
Four Reactive Strategies as an Expression of Fusion

1. Compliance: pretending there aren't any differences. Peace at any price. May become physically or emotionally ill to cope with differences.
2. Rebellion: the choice to fight it. The rebel is so involved in rebelling, in not doing and not being the way others want that the rebel never decides what he or she DOES want.
3. Attack: Sees the "other" is the problem and openly tries to change the other using whatever means are possible. Often has low self-esteem and believes the other has to change before he/she can change.
4. Cut off: Believes that by cutting off from the family, they will be free of their power and influence and problems will be over. Unfortunately, those unresolved issues follow us into new relationships. 

 Test of Fusion:
One test of fusion in a family is how easily someone can say, "Hey, this seems to be going on in our family" (identifying a rule) and then talk about it with other family members. The more fused family will refuse to acknowledge that the rule exists and won't talk about it. Many families can continue indefinitely in this state and never change. Some change when one member of the family develops enough self-esteem to be able to risk being different and deal with the reactions that provokes.  

Other families are forced to change when their children become adolescents, as this is the time when both the spoken and unspoken family rules get tested and challenged. In fused families, things start to fall apart.
   --Rebellious behavior does not represent true independence.
   --Often teenagers just establish equally intense fused relationships with their peers. And need for sameness and togetherness takes over.

You Make Me Do It--Being Responsible for Yourself
--stay away from touchy issues
--the more fused the family, the greater the number of issues that will upset families. If you don't want to upset someone, the real motive is self-protection. We don't "upset" them so they won't "upset" us. You play act at sameness to "keep the peace." It also places the blame on them (i.e. "If only you would change, I could be happy!").

Under-Funtioning and Over-Functioning
In unhealthy relationships, the roles become frozen into more or less permanent positions of over and under-functioning. Both have low level of differentiation. One must under-function for another to over-function.There are positive consequences if two people act as a team and the roles constantly change back and forth and never become frozen!

Further Discussion

1. How well are you able to be yourself and also be close to others? Are there aspects of your personality that you hide from some people in your life because you think they would dislike you for them? To what extent are your actions dependent on the reactions of others?
2. Who in your family is very different from you? Can you be yourself with that person?
3. Are you relationship-oriented or goal-directed? What about others in your family?
4. Notice how often you and those around you say things like "that makes me feel awful," "you really upset me," "you make me sick," etc. What is a more accurate way of describing these subjective experiences? Start saying it that way and see if people respond differently.
5. Think of two situations where your family successfully dealt with differences between its members, and two situations where the outcome was not successful. What kind of process did each family member (including you) go through in attempting to deal with these differences?
6. Remember some times in your family when a rule was identified, discussed, and possibly changed. What was the impact of this experience on the family?
7. Can you identify some basic beliefs you have developed in your family of origin that are creating upsetting experiences for you now?
8. What are some topics or issues that were avoided in your family because people became upset when they were raised? What impact has this agreement to ignore a significant issue had on you and your family life?
9. Are there any ways people have traded off their own beliefs in your family of origin for the sake of approval?
10. When you or your partner come home at the end of the day, and the other is in a bad mood, while you are in a good mood, how long does it take for your mood to begin to turn sour? Have you ever been able to delay or change that?
11. Examine what areas of your life you are being the over or under-functioner. As a short-term experiment (perhaps a week) change your functioning level in one area to the opposite of what you are doing now. What happens to the anxiety level in each of you as you do this? What other issues emerge between the two of you (which were previously hidden) as you change your functional level?