Deb Thomas:: Navigating Kids, Culture, Fatigue, God, Shame, + Not Enough Time

Did you catch that title? Phew! Deb held nothing back when she came to chat about sex and relationships in the midst of motherhood. As it turns out, sexual problems are multi-causal and multi-dimensional. Health and dysfunction is a continuum...relationship problems = sexual problems and vice versa. So the work to be done is decidedly understanding needs, respecting them, and trying to figure out what to do.

Take a listen, reference some notes, and remember you're not alone!

Click HERE for the recording of Deb's talk.

Enjoy!

 

BODY

• When do you feel free?

SEXY: smelling, seeing, hearing, touching, breathing, tasting, lingering

          The question in...can you be in your body?

NOT: fatigue, pain, distaste, numbness, distrust, body-only-goal-oriented-sex  

 

*Understanding all of this and the challenge of it is not going away. But the more you do to have better understanding now, the better off you'll be. 

 

BASIC NEEDS: Exercise (enough cardio to get the stress out of your body), nutrition, sleep, sunshine, play, touch, rest (question: how do you rest?) 

 

HEART

• How's your heart? Are you stressed? Is your heart sad? joyful? full of gratitude? does it hurt?

SEXY: trusting, safe, joyful, playful, adventurous, curious, flirty, longing, empathetic, open, wow

NOT: fear, fury, fatigue

• Body's warning system: pay attention. There's something that may emotions are telling me and I need to figure out what that is. Stuffing and ignoring won't stop the feels.

 

MIND

• What were the messages you had growing up about sex? In church? In school? In youth group? 
• Are moms allowed to be sexy? What about Mom Bodies? 
• Can you enjoy your body with all the changes you've gone through? Will your brain say "yes! this is sexy!" 
• As women, we gather all the rules about how to do things "right" and we will try desperately to do things "right." 
• All those messages are in there.  

PROBLEMS/TRAPS: 

    Human Giver Syndrome--"Your needs don't matter, it's all about everyone else."

    Sexy vs. Slutty--what's healthy sexy or Godly sexy? 

    Consumer Culture--when we put our hearts on what's unattainable

    Duty sex--is it mutual, pleasurable, and connecting? 

    Silence

    Sex is simple (not)

    Sex is the same for everyone

HEALTH:

    Bodies are good

    I have sexual rights

    Adult Sex Ed

    Integrated faith and sexuality

    Deconstructed myths and false beliefs

    Differences between genders and sex

HEALTH

"Sex is holy because God made it holy."-- Tina Shermer Sellers

Most of us have been objectified, wounded, hurt. Some horrifically, unspeakably; others through everyday ignoring of rights. #metoo #churchtoo

We all bring that into our relationships. Acknowledge the need for healing.

BODY EXPERIMENTS

COUPLE:

• Can you linger? in a hug? 
• lingering kisses
• Date (verb)-- can we find a way back? 
• Quarterly overnight getaways
• Simplify
• Sabbath rest 
• not getting up
• trade?

INDIVIDUAL:

• Exercise--get the stress out of your body
• Love on your body
• bubble baths
• listen to your body
• women are notorious for ignoring body signals
• Sabbath rest

RESOURCES

The Sexual Healing Journey, Wendy Maltz

The Joy of Intimacy, Manis Friedman and Ricardo Adler

Burn Out, Emily Nogoski and Amelia Nogoski