Jane Schmidt::Technology and Our Kids

Jane came to us, thank goodness, as we try to navigate this world of technology. As she reminded the group, technology is here to stay. It's in our lives and it's not going anywhere. So how do we make it a positive thing?

It's not easy. We all know that. We all want to make healthy boundaries and we all want to connect with our kids. If we start there, then decisions around technology become easier. But first, we need to understand it so we can parent it. After all, we weren't taught how to parent it, so we have to figure it out. #awesome

Click HERE for the recording of Jane's talk.

Enjoy!

What are some challenges we're facing with technology right now? 

• School on social media
• Toddler tantrums
• Friend's and grandparent's rules (or lack thereof)
• Kids see it as the Holy Grail/candy
• Understanding what's educational/entertaining v. addictive
• Balancing relevance with their peers
• Exposure outside the home
• Age gaps (older sibling w/ technology)
• Boundaries with ourselves with our technology
• On difference pages than our partner

First and foremost, Jane emphasized two things: 

1. No guilt, no shame. It's never too late to start setting boundaries or evaluating habits.
2. Use your instinct. We are experts on our own kids and know what's realistic and/or effective. Go from there.  

Phew. 

Okay. 

Turns out there is already a ton of research out of UW about the brain that help us know how technology impacts it. See handout below.   

 

 

 

Three Super-Important Things To Do

1. Talk, engage, connect, relate
2. Physical activity--play! Let them be curious, creative, and BORED.
3. Read to your child...from a book, not a screen. Sensory/touch with real books is important.

Good Point:: Tidbits

• Shows (even the best shows) tell them what to think. 3-dimensional toys create opportunities to figure things out. 
• Some language to talk about technology...It's like food. There are different foods that nourish different things. And there are treats/snacks. We nourish our bodies with different experiences and the world around us and technology is something to snack on. 
• Yes, we have to factor school screens into our parenting.
• As they get older, we need to keep having new conversations about the boundaries. It's like the sex talk (!)...we need to educate them when we make decisions on limits...they can know the what" and the "why." Knowledge is power.
• It's up to us. We are it. 
• No one is alone in this...let's talk to each other/our community to see what to do. Let's use MOPS as a sounding board for this stuff! 
• One small change can make a big difference and you'll see the results quick. Try it! 
• Remember, we're already doing these things! Give yourself some credit, take an inventory, and go from there.

RESOURCES

www.commonsensemedia.org

(try it! so helpful!)

 

Marisa Gronholz:: Enneagram

You guys, if you missed Marisa's talk at our last MOPS meeting, you'll just have to tune in by clicking below because it was waaaay too much to recap here. My brain would die. I'm pretty sure there was smoke pluming from my pen and paper as I attempting to take notes. Besides, Marisa admittedly only scratched the surface for us, so really we all just need to get the book and do the work. Because it is SO INTERESTING.

Click HERE for the recording of Marisa's talk.

Enjoy!

To view Marisa's super helpful slides (including amazing resources at the end), click here! 

Good luck! 

Beth Goss:: Reclaiming Your Relationship After Baby

At our last meeting, the lovely Beth Goss spoke some real truth about how we reconnect with our spouses after having a baby. Because we all know how easy it is to pour into our partner while our new bundle pours their every extra waste onto us all day...*shakes head no.* Turns out it's more about the little things than we may realize. Thanks, Beth!

Click HERE for the recording of Beth's talk.

Enjoy!

When we first have kids, there's a universal transition to parenthood. The moment they're born, there's a huge philosophical shift. After all, you've been you for longer than being _______'s mom.
Relationships change...

• conflict increases
• communication decreases + becomes stressful

Physical + psychological changes...

• sleep deprivation
• sex + intimacy typically decline
• in fact, John Gottman spent a lot of time studying this particular period of time in parenthood and as sleep lessens, the greater chance of depression.

It begs the question...are new parents happy?
...67% of parents experience a significant drop in relationship satisfaction in the first year after the birth of a child (Gottman).  Boom.

So are all new parents doomed?
   -No.
  -33% of couples studies during the same period reported maintain or increasing relationship satisfaction
  -Couples who stay together + are reasonably satisfied = MASTERS
  -Couples who stay together but are miserable or whose relationship eventually end = DISASTERS.

We gotta know...what are couples doing RIGHT?

Six Strategies for Reclaiming Your Relationship

1. Ask OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS
• Not yes/no
• Open-ended questions create dialogue
• Examples include: what's your ideal vacation? What do you want our life to be like in 5 years? How are you really feeling about your job? 
• Consider this a party skill...if you work this hard to generate conversation with strangers, why not do the same with your spouse?
2. Express APPRECIATION AND RESPECT
• Don't think it, say it!
• Catch your partner doing something right...find the things about your partner that you really like and express them.
• Accept compliments your partner gives you
• "Masters" express + accept appreciation + respect during ordinary moments
• We learn more from appreciation than from criticism....let that sink in, ladies. 
3.  Recognize and respond to BID FOR CONNECTION
• Emotional bank account...tracks "relationship points" (earned or deducted through positive + negative interactions or bids)
• A "bid" is the way someone expresses what they need in that moment.
• We continually make bids for our partner's attention/affection/conversation/support throughout the day
• You can try to recognize and respont to bids to add "points" to your partner's account
• Notice + Respond to Bids (high risk and low risk)
• attention
• conversation
• humor
• affection
• excitement
• emotional support
• play 
• empathy
• sex
• There are 3 ways to respond to a bid...
• Turning toward, making a connection, adding to the bank account
• Turning away or ignoring (not meant to be mean-spirited)
• Turning against, an angry response. "I don't have time for this!" Don't do that.
4. Create a POSITIVE PERSPECTIVE
• When we have a positive perspective on our relationship we give each other the benefit of the doubt.
• Look for things going well
• Make it a habit--it doesn't happen on its own
• Focus on strengthening your friendship
5. Make intimacy a PRIORITY
• Our partners need to know we love + desire them.
• The basis for intimacy is establishing and maintaining an emotional connection
• Look for non-sexual ways to be intimate/connected...rituals of affection (a kiss before work, sit together before going to bed at night, etc.)
• Don't make sex the last "chore" of the day
• Plan regular couple time away from the kids
• Intimacy is built on good friendship
6. Create SHARED MEANING + VALUES
• Move from "getting through the day" to planning long term
• How you were raised affects your life's dreams, values, and rituals
• Conflict often stems from unfulfilled dreams and ideals or differences in Family of Origin (how you grew up doing meals, holidays, etc) 
• Create your own family rituals
• Support each other's goals
• Engage in meaningful activities to create new shared experiences
• Think about your own dreams--what do you want to make happen in your life?

One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a strong relationship between the two of you." 

Further Discussion

1. Before you had children, what did you think parenthood would be like?
2. Share something about your partner that makes you feel proud.
3. What are some of the challenges to nurturing your adult relationship?
4. What rituals of connection do you have with your partner?

RESOURCES

And Baby Makes Three by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver 

Krista Law::Anxiety + Depression

The incomparable Krista Law came to speak with us once again and she didn't disappoint. Sharing about anxiety and depression, Krista helped us attack the idea of "Knowing & Prioritizing Your Values" as a way to see where our anxiety or depression comes from and how we can make some changes. Turns out it all comes down to control...where we feel like we have to have control and where we feel like we have no control. Ultimately, a goal of Krista's was to normalize feelings of anxiety and depression and make a way we can all check in about it regularly. It happens to all of us, so let's talk about it.

Click HERE for the recording of Krista's talk.

Enjoy!

Anxiety & Depression: Two Sides of the Same Coin (Control)

• Depression says: "It doesn't matter, whatever I do isn't going to make a difference." I have no control, nothing I do is going to change anything.
• Anxiety says: "I have to control everything. I can do it best. If it's gonna be, it's up to me."

There are seasons of both, short or long.

• Bible says: Look back at Genesis. What was the intent? Design? They were given animals, land, etc. They were given some control, but not all control (not THAT tree). See, it shows that there are things you can do, and things to surrender. 

The Antidote: Choosing Values
This is work we all need to do in order to identify where the pressure is coming from and how it manifests itself, anxiety or depression. Basically, where is the "should" coming from that brings on the need for control or the feeling of lack of control?

• A single value that is perceived as unachievable= ____________ (ex. success)
• Not reaching this incites a depressive response

• Too many values that are perceived as all achievable=_________ (ex. Pinterest, "you can do All The Things" messaging)
• Striving for this causes anxiety

• Knowing and Prioritizing
• Past: What kind of home did you grow up in (something painful that you would do differently or pleasure) that you want to keep or make a high value)? Identifying these things can show that you are anchored in something that isn't your own value. 
• What was valued in your family (Agree/Disagree)? Keep asking this question  to discern what to keep or toss.

• Future: What kind of home do you want (Unachievable/Achievable)? 
• ex. clean home b/c my house wasn't clean growing up. How can you get there so you don't always feel like you're failing? Start with drawing your community in, give the narrative behind the value to help them help you see change. Sharing your "why" imparts empathy and they want to help.

• What kind of values do you want in your family (Too few/Too many)? 
• Where do they come from? 

"Every instruction we give, every course of action we set, every result we desire, starts with the same thing: a decision."-- Simon Sinek

 

Goal: Knowing the "Why"

"A [family] can explain what it does; some can explain how they do it; but very few can clearly articulate why."--Simon Sinek

FURTHER DISCUSSION

1. Do you identify with feeling depressed (having goal/value you can't achieve) or with feeling anxious (having too many goals/values that are unachievable)?
2. What is one value in your home that is a result of pain? What is one value that comes from what went right in your family of origin?
3. Name one family value you want to have? What might it look like to live from that value?
4. In the end, why do you want to change? You may know the "what" to change and the "how" but have you asked yourself "why?"

RESOURCES

• Start With Why by Simon Sinek
• Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
• To Be Told (+ Workbook) by Dr. Dan Allender

Krista Law, MA, LMHC

Individuals & Couples Counselor

www.kristalaw.com

www.3therapistswalkintoablog.com 

Rebecca Hoyt:: Big Feelings in Our Small People

Parent Educator, Rebecca Hoyt, spent her morning with us and shared about how to support our little ones and their big emotions. Believe it or not, "Thinking of your child as behaving badly disposes you to think of punishment. Thinking of your child as struggling to handle something difficult encourages you to help them through distress."--Author Unknown. 

Rebecca says that "If we can radically change our thinking about misbehavior, we allow ourselves to be physically and emotionally available to our children in their most vulnerable moments. This partnering can help children navigate their way through difficult feelings and challenges rather than avoid distress."

Are you hooked yet? Click below for her full talk and be prepared to glean a ton!  
 

Click HERE for the recording of Rebecca's talk.

Enjoy!

"Instead of thinking of those big tantrums as acting out or misbehaviors, they're really an indication to us that our child has a skill deficit. It's not something they know how to do, and they need us to know how to do it."--Rebecca Hoyt

 Agitation: The gas pedal is starting to accelerate as demonstrated by frustration or opposition.
Objective: Be empathetic, establish limits to guide behavior, engage senses in a soothing way, and help problem-solve.
Skills: 

• Be present--Get close enough to be comforting but not threatening
• Stay calm--Your calm demeanor will help her feel safe
• Keep words simple--Don't flood her already overstimulated senses
• Say what you see--"You want to play with the dump truck but someone has it."
• State a limit--"We do not grab toys away from someone."
• Coach an alternative option: "Can you ask for a turn?"
• Offer a choice--"Would you like to wait for a turn or check out the slide?"
• Praise--"That was tough but you asked for a turn and it worked! She gave you the truck!"

[If trouble viewing, click here to enlarge slides.]  

Nancy Eckhardt::Finding Your Fire

For our second speaker of the year, we heard from Nancy Eckhardt about her life journey of "finding her fire." If you take nothing else away from Nancy's story, it's her encouragement to us moms that though our fires may be embers during this season of parenting small kiddos, God is writing a bigger story with our lives and will fan those sparks into flames when the timing is right. In the end, Nancy reflects on how life means not following "the plan," but following God. Oh, and it may not always look the way we thought it was going to. So, there's that. :)

Click HERE for the recording of Nancy's talk.

Enjoy!

FURTHER DISCUSSION

• When have you had to let go of expectations in order to move into a new future? What emotions are part of this process?
• When have you experienced the fulfillment of a dream?
• When have you seen a dream fulfilled, but in a very unexpected way?
• When you think of fire as refining, warming, or guiding, how have you experienced yourself being refined, warmed and/or guided by the fire in your life?
• How might the work of fire that God is doing in your life right now be impacting those around you?
• Do you have plans that have taken a back burner in this season of life? How are you tending to them?

Marisa Gronholz::Spiritual Health for Moms

To open our MOPS season with a bang, we had UPC's own Marisa Gronholz talk to us about "engaging the spiritual disciplines." There are quite a few, but Marisa guides us through each one while including helpful identifiers we may need to point out areas for spiritual growth.

Click HERE for the recording of Marisa's talk.

Enjoy!

 

What are Spiritual Disciplines?

“Our task is not to transform ourselves, but to stay connected with God in as much
of life as possible. As we pay attention to the nudges of the Holy Spirit, we become
disciples of Christ. Our task is to do the connecting, while God does the perfecting.
We connect with God through Spiritual Disciplines.” –Jan Johnson

 

We've all heard the "Oxygen Mask" analogy (place yours on first before helping others or else you'll be NO HELP!). The thing is...yes, you have to put it on. But you have to put it on the right way. Spiritual disciplines help hone that "right way" of being in tune with God and truly engaging in his work in your life.  So...

 

ORTHOPRAXY: "right practice"

Think about..."What am I? Introvert/extrovert? What is my life like right now?"

“The question we need to ask ourselves in any spiritual discipline is, ‘What does God want to
accomplish in me through this practice?”—Marjorie Thompson  

 

::MEDITATION

“Meditation is the ability to hear God’s voice and obey God’s word. What happens in meditation is
that we create the emotional and spiritual space which allows Christ to construct an inner sanctuary
in the heart.” Renovare ministries

HELPFUL FOR: 

   -stimulation overload 

   -discernment 

   -confusion 

   -feeling overwhelmed   

 

::PRAYER

“The interactive conversation with God about what we are doing together.”-Renovare Ministries
 

HELPFUL FOR IF YOU:  

   -are feeling disconnected from God 

   -need discernment 

   -are overwhelmed with your life and/or the cares of the world 

   -don’t know what to do about ____     

::FASTING

“The voluntary denial of an otherwise normal function for the sake of intense spiritual
activity. Spiritual, not about others. Is is God-initiated and God centered.”—Renovare

 

HELPFUL FOR IF YOU ARE:

   -feeling addicted to social media or other media

   -are in a bad pattern or habit
   -a word about food and drinks—if you struggle with food disorders or alcohol—there is
other help available and this discipline would not be helpful in those cases

::STUDY

“ The mind taking on an order conforming to the order of whatever we concentrate upon. The
discipline of study is not about amassing information. Experience it, learn from it, be changed by it.
Study books, nature, relationships, events and cultural values as well as the Bible.”—Richard Foster

HELPFUL FOR IF YOU:
   -feel bored by motherhood
   -feel like you aren’t experiencing life to the full
   -are missing what your life used to be before kids

::SIMPLICITY

“An inward reality that results in an outward lifestyle. Simplicity results in a joyful unconcern for
possessions. Possessions are viewed as gifts, the focus is on stewardship and making our goods
available to others.” --Renovare
HELPFUL FOR IF YOU:
   -are struggling with materialism
   -feel envy
   -feel overwhelmed by “stuff”
   -are misplacing and losing things a lot 

::SOLITUDE

“An open relational space for being found by God and freed from competing loyalties”--Ortberg
HELPFUL FOR IF YOU:
   -have had too much people time
   -feel distracted and pulled in too many directions
   -are struggling to hear God over all of the noise
   -need a social media or news “ break”
   -are totally “done” with your kids/husband/some form of the two! 

::SUBMISSION

“ The discipline which forces us to let go of the burden of always needing to get our own way.”
–Jan Johnson
HELPFUL FOR:
   -if you struggle with being controlling
   -if you struggle with trusting others 

::SERVICE

“The many little deaths of going beyond ourselves, which produces in us the virtue of humility,
hospitality, loving-kindness, giving up the need to be in charge.”--Renovare
HELPFUL FOR:
   -if you struggle with being stingy with your time, talents, or treasure
   -you long to use your talents and gifts outside of your mothering
   -you struggle with being controlling 

::CONFESSION

“Experiencing the grace and mercy of God for healing the sins and sorrows of the
past.”--Foster

HELPFUL FOR IF YOU:
   -you are struggling with guilt and shame
   -you are carrying the burdens of secrets
   -you feel alone

::WORSHIP/GRATITUDE

“Entering into the supra-natural experience, of the Shekynah, or glory, of God.” This isn’t just about
Sunday. It is about experiencing the glory of God every day with our gratitude for all that God has done for us."

“Gratitude goes beyond the 'mine' and 'thine' and claims the truth that all of life is a pure gift. In the past I always thought of gratitude as a spontaneous response to the awareness of gifts received, but now I realize that gratitude can also be lived as a discipline. The discipline of gratitude is the explicit effort to acknowledge that all I am and have is given to me as a gift of love, a gift to be celebrated with joy.” --Nouwen

HELPFUL FOR IF YOU:
   -you are struggling with feeling ungrateful

   -you feel lonely
   -you need to be reminded of who God is

::CELEBRATION

“A lifestyle of walking and leaping, and praising God (Acts 3:8) It is about having joy in
remembering and in marking milestones.” --Renovare

HELPFUL FOR IF YOU: 

   -feel lonely and alone but long for relationships
   -are struggling with ingratitude
   -feel like life is moving too fast
   -feel overwhelmed with the “bad” of our world

FURTHER DISCUSSION

• Of all of these, what are one or two that you sense God might be calling you to practice? Why do you sense that is?
• How would you need to INTEND for that to happen? What would you need to do? Who would you need to ask for help or resources?