Krista Law:: The ABC's of Attachment Theory

At our last meeting, we got to hear from a MOPS fan favorite, Krista Law. Always relatable, she mines her own motherhood journey for examples of flying and failing, what worked and what really didn't. In this case, we heard about Attachment Theory and why its important (i.e. how it forms our kids in the long run!). We've all read books about the "right" behavior for our children... the measures of smarts/looks/sleep/how kids are growing, but how is your relationship with your kid? How is your bond/connection? And how does this impact their future?

 Click HERE for the recording of Krista's talk.

Enjoy!

ATTACHMENT THEORY
   -One of the many values to factor in to your parenting
   -You will be the model by which they engage with everyone.
   -No shame in "missing the mark." There's always redemption. Always great hope. It's possible.

A. Availability
Access to you. A call and a response. Aim for 20% of the time. When it counts (meltdown, injury, request), can you turn to them and respond?  This develops resiliency. When needed, mom is available to help restore and try again. This muscle is worked and they learn this for life. They get what they need when they need it and are helped back to their baseline.
The "stuff" can wait.Yes, being available will cost you. It will cost you what you value and what other people value, but it's necessary. Shuffle priorities.

B. Be reflective
Mirror what is happening for them. Be their descriptor. They need help developing symbols and words for experience. This means describing without judgement. Become resourceful. Develop an internal resource to use as an anchor for how they feel. When you pause to reflect, you do get an understanding of their feelings and relate. It takes practice, to filter through all the other factors coming at you and get to the heart of it.

C. Consistency
Develops a sense of power. Ex. who's kid has been planning their birthday party for the past year? It's the same every year, predictability. A soothing happens when they feel they have some control in their world. Eventually, they're better at confronting the potential for risk--even when there's unknown, they've had a past of consistency, so they can count on things working out again. They'll be creative. If you can't count on something, the desire atrophies. What can they count on?
What works for you? What is something you can fold in to what you already do (or else you'll fail)? Nothing elaborate. Bedtime routine, school pickup, around the dinner table. What's the anchor to their day?

Further Discussion

• Who were you most attached to when you were younger? What were the characteristics they had that you remember being wonderful?
• What are some values that are important to you that may keep you from being available to meet your child's emotional needs? (being on time, having company over, public appearances, homeowork-school-education, being a servant)
• Are there any emotions that you feel like you can't tolerate or wouldn't be able to gently reflect back to your child when they are experiencing them? (anger, ungrateful attitude, spoiled, talking too much, being too specific)
• Consistency is practically very challenging. Is there one specific time of the day or routine event that involves your child that you could resolve to be consistent in?

Resources
I Love you Rituals by Rebecca Anne Bailey
Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day by Susan Newman
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer: How to Calm, Connect, and Communicate with Your Baby by Melinda Blau and Tracy Hogg
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers by Melinda Blau and Tracy Hogg
The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn

Krista Law, LMHC

www.kristalaw.com

info@kristalaw.com 

Charissa Pomrehn:: Self Care

Well, ladies--time to recap our first official speaker of the year! A couple of Tuesdays ago, Charissa Pomrehn spoke with us about the importance of self care. No mother is surprised that during this season of having small children, this is a concept and practice that quickly falls by the wayside. Charissa took the time to walk us through the practice of slowing down, taking a moment, and truly considering what fills us up when life seems to only drain us.

*No audio is available for this talk. Please enjoy a written recap below!*

To start, Charissa prompted us with this question: what do you think of when you hear the words "self care?" And the women in the room delivered:

• time alone
• space
• sleep
• grooming
• a massage

What is self care?

• What brings you alive?
• What fills your soul?

But be careful not to confuse "self comfort" with "self care."

Self comfort: comfort foods, Netflix. Things that numb. There is a time and place.
Self care: things that bring you alive, make you feel good after, not just in the moment.

Once more, Charissa asked the room: "What fills your soul?"

• hiking
• walking
• painting
• finishing something
• time with other adults

Moms are moved by self care, but blocked from it. Why?

What Moms Tell Themselves

1.) "I'm too busy"
   -Those are the moms who need it the most.
   -Look at the creation story: Genesis chapters 1 + 2. On the 7th day, God rested from his work. He took a break. His work wasn't done, but he rested. "All that I needed to do is done. It is finished."--God
   -How can we relate to our work the way God relates to his? How can we reframe our "to do's" in light of the need to rest?
   -What small step can you take to work when it's time to work and rest when it's time to rest?

2.) "Self care is selfish."
   -It's not just for the good, but for the good of others, too.
   -How can the fullness of God be expressed by burnt-out moms?
   -Matthew 11:28-30
   -When you are filled, you have more to pour out to others.

3.) "I shouldn't really need it."
   -If we don't value what we do, it's hard to make the time for what we need to do it.
   -We all know the inner dialogue the replays through our minds. "People have it harder, I have it so easy, why should I make time for it?" Or...
   -"My mom and grandma didn't think about/prioritize self care, so why should I?"
   -Stop comparing.
   -Stop thinking "I don't have anything to be tired about."
   -When you're brave enough to fill your soul, you become more brave to do and be who God created you to be.

Which one of these roadblocks is keeping you from doing what will fill your soul?

Q & A Time with Charissa

Q: How do you reconcile/justify self care when we're "privileged" to stay home? Basically, how do we deal with the guilt we feel for needing/wanting self care? Or, while you're caring for yourself, what about the things piling up on the other end of that time away?
A: Invite God into that barrier and see what He does. Barriers may seem external (time, a babysitter) but they're really internal and where we need the power of God.

Q: How do you make the peace of self care last? The re-entry into life (the chaos) can be too hard.
A: It takes strategy. What is self care you can do every day where the re-entry isn't painful? Maybe involve your kids. Ideas for daily practice: get outside with your lunch or take a walk, don't check email first thing in the morning, get up early, say "no" to something soul-draining and "yes" to soul-giving, podcasts while doing the dishes.

Q: How do we ask our community for support in self care?
A: Get clear on your reasons for it. Ask yourself why you want to do it. Then you're better able to explain your "why" to those around you.

Q: How can we encourage each other in a deep way when we see burn out in others?
A: We can't always jump in and solve it. Remember the oxygen mask analogy (in the event of an emergency, put yours on first before placing it on those around you). Speak life into the person you care about by pointing out that if they're not full, they can't pour anything out for others.

Further Discussion

• Charissa defined self care as doing things that fill your soul. What's one thing that fills your soul?
• Do you relate to the distinction between self comfort (things that numb you) and self care (things that make you come alive)?
• Which story most often blocks you from doing the things that fill your soul?
• I'm too busy
• Self care is selfish
• Self care is a nice-to-have, not a need-to-have.

• What do you know about God and life with Him that can help you not get stuck in this story?
• What's one thing you want to commit to out of the meeting?