Krista Law:: The ABC's of Attachment Theory

At our last meeting, we got to hear from a MOPS fan favorite, Krista Law. Always relatable, she mines her own motherhood journey for examples of flying and failing, what worked and what really didn't. In this case, we heard about Attachment Theory and why its important (i.e. how it forms our kids in the long run!). We've all read books about the "right" behavior for our children... the measures of smarts/looks/sleep/how kids are growing, but how is your relationship with your kid? How is your bond/connection? And how does this impact their future?

 Click HERE for the recording of Krista's talk.

Enjoy!

ATTACHMENT THEORY
   -One of the many values to factor in to your parenting
   -You will be the model by which they engage with everyone.
   -No shame in "missing the mark." There's always redemption. Always great hope. It's possible.

A. Availability
Access to you. A call and a response. Aim for 20% of the time. When it counts (meltdown, injury, request), can you turn to them and respond?  This develops resiliency. When needed, mom is available to help restore and try again. This muscle is worked and they learn this for life. They get what they need when they need it and are helped back to their baseline.
The "stuff" can wait.Yes, being available will cost you. It will cost you what you value and what other people value, but it's necessary. Shuffle priorities.

B. Be reflective
Mirror what is happening for them. Be their descriptor. They need help developing symbols and words for experience. This means describing without judgement. Become resourceful. Develop an internal resource to use as an anchor for how they feel. When you pause to reflect, you do get an understanding of their feelings and relate. It takes practice, to filter through all the other factors coming at you and get to the heart of it.

C. Consistency
Develops a sense of power. Ex. who's kid has been planning their birthday party for the past year? It's the same every year, predictability. A soothing happens when they feel they have some control in their world. Eventually, they're better at confronting the potential for risk--even when there's unknown, they've had a past of consistency, so they can count on things working out again. They'll be creative. If you can't count on something, the desire atrophies. What can they count on?
What works for you? What is something you can fold in to what you already do (or else you'll fail)? Nothing elaborate. Bedtime routine, school pickup, around the dinner table. What's the anchor to their day?

Further Discussion

• Who were you most attached to when you were younger? What were the characteristics they had that you remember being wonderful?
• What are some values that are important to you that may keep you from being available to meet your child's emotional needs? (being on time, having company over, public appearances, homeowork-school-education, being a servant)
• Are there any emotions that you feel like you can't tolerate or wouldn't be able to gently reflect back to your child when they are experiencing them? (anger, ungrateful attitude, spoiled, talking too much, being too specific)
• Consistency is practically very challenging. Is there one specific time of the day or routine event that involves your child that you could resolve to be consistent in?

Resources
I Love you Rituals by Rebecca Anne Bailey
Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day by Susan Newman
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer: How to Calm, Connect, and Communicate with Your Baby by Melinda Blau and Tracy Hogg
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers by Melinda Blau and Tracy Hogg
The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn

Krista Law, LMHC

www.kristalaw.com

info@kristalaw.com