Click HERE
for the recording of Beth's talk.
Enjoy!
When we first have kids, there's a universal transition to parenthood. The moment they're born, there's a huge philosophical shift. After all, you've been you for longer than being _______'s mom.
Relationships change...
- conflict increases
- communication decreases + becomes stressful
- sleep deprivation
- sex + intimacy typically decline
- in fact, John Gottman spent a lot of time studying this particular period of time in parenthood and as sleep lessens, the greater chance of depression.
...67% of parents experience a significant drop in relationship satisfaction in the first year after the birth of a child (Gottman). Boom.
So are all new parents doomed?
-No.
-33% of couples studies during the same period reported maintain or increasing relationship satisfaction
-Couples who stay together + are reasonably satisfied = MASTERS
-Couples who stay together but are miserable or whose relationship eventually end = DISASTERS.
We gotta know...what are couples doing RIGHT?
Six Strategies for Reclaiming Your Relationship
- Ask OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS
- Not yes/no
- Open-ended questions create dialogue
- Examples include: what's your ideal vacation? What do you want our life to be like in 5 years? How are you really feeling about your job?
- Consider this a party skill...if you work this hard to generate conversation with strangers, why not do the same with your spouse?
- Express APPRECIATION AND RESPECT
- Don't think it, say it!
- Catch your partner doing something right...find the things about your partner that you really like and express them.
- Accept compliments your partner gives you
- "Masters" express + accept appreciation + respect during ordinary moments
- We learn more from appreciation than from criticism....let that sink in, ladies.
- Recognize and respond to BID FOR CONNECTION
- Emotional bank account...tracks "relationship points" (earned or deducted through positive + negative interactions or bids)
- A "bid" is the way someone expresses what they need in that moment.
- We continually make bids for our partner's attention/affection/conversation/support throughout the day
- You can try to recognize and respont to bids to add "points" to your partner's account
- Notice + Respond to Bids (high risk and low risk)
- attention
- conversation
- humor
- affection
- excitement
- emotional support
- play
- empathy
- sex
- There are 3 ways to respond to a bid...
- Turning toward, making a connection, adding to the bank account
- Turning away or ignoring (not meant to be mean-spirited)
- Turning against, an angry response. "I don't have time for this!" Don't do that.
- Create a POSITIVE PERSPECTIVE
- When we have a positive perspective on our relationship we give each other the benefit of the doubt.
- Look for things going well
- Make it a habit--it doesn't happen on its own
- Focus on strengthening your friendship
- Make intimacy a PRIORITY
- Our partners need to know we love + desire them.
- The basis for intimacy is establishing and maintaining an emotional connection
- Look for non-sexual ways to be intimate/connected...rituals of affection (a kiss before work, sit together before going to bed at night, etc.)
- Don't make sex the last "chore" of the day
- Plan regular couple time away from the kids
- Intimacy is built on good friendship
- Create SHARED MEANING + VALUES
- Move from "getting through the day" to planning long term
- How you were raised affects your life's dreams, values, and rituals
- Conflict often stems from unfulfilled dreams and ideals or differences in Family of Origin (how you grew up doing meals, holidays, etc)
- Create your own family rituals
- Support each other's goals
- Engage in meaningful activities to create new shared experiences
- Think about your own dreams--what do you want to make happen in your life?
One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a strong relationship between the two of you."
- Before you had children, what did you think parenthood would be like?
- Share something about your partner that makes you feel proud.
- What are some of the challenges to nurturing your adult relationship?
- What rituals of connection do you have with your partner?
RESOURCES
And Baby Makes Three by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver 