Marisa Gronholz :: Advent - Waiting Like Mary

What a blessing to have Marisa share her thoughts and teaching on Advent, specifically as a season of waiting like Mary did. The bad news - due to technical difficulties (ie. not pressing the correct buttons), the audio of Marisa's talk didn't get recorded. The good news - she shared her entire powerpoint with us that you can access by clicking on the image above! We hope it can be a resource and meditation for you as you walk through this Advent season!

Amber Zbitnoff :: Photography Tips

A special thanks to Amber of Amber Zbitnoff Photograpy for sharing some tips and tricks to consider when planning for or taking pictures! Below are notes from her talk:

What is the best time to take photos?
-The "golden hour" is 1-2 hours after sunrise or before sunset. This makes for pretty light that is more dynamic & interesting.

What should we wear?
-Start with one piece & work around it
-Think classic & timeless
-Plan ahead for comfort & movement
-Coordinate color, not matchy-matchy
-Keep patterns to a minimum (good rule of thumb is 1-2 pieces max with patterns)
-Textures are your friend (ie. sweaters give depth)
-Avoid all-black or all-white
-Avoid characters & logos
-Layers are helpful - they add interest and you can change your look just by taking off a layer
-Consider your location
-Visualize your photos on display and what look you're going for
-Most importantly, BE YOU!

How do I choose a location?
Thing to Consider:
-A place that has special meaning
-Your own home (especially good for newborn pictures)
-Pretty locations
-Consider where the photos will be displayed in your own home to help think of locations

How do I choose a photographer?
Things to Consider:
-What are my priorities? Thinking through the following can help you narrow down: style & aesthetic, friend referral & review, how many images you get to keep, turn around time, investment.

How much should I invest?
You get what you pay for. Normal range in Seattle is $300-$1,000. It's common to have a session fee plus certain add-ons (for example some photographers include a certain amount of files to keep while with others you add-on for files you want).
Consider the most important of budget, quality & time. You can usually get 2/3 in a photographer.

Taking photos yourself vs. Hiring a Photographer:
Yourself:
-You control what you get
-You don't have to schedule
-Can do multiple attempts
-Can take the pressure off

Photographer:
-Get to experience the time as a family
-You'll be in the photo as a participant
-You get a variety of images
-Have someone posing and looking out for the details
-Less work for you!

Amber's favorite locations in the Seattle area to take pictures include:
1. Arboretum
2. Magnuson Park
3. Carkeek Park
4. Juanita Bay Park (on the eastside)

Carenet - Talking to kids about sexuality and healthy relationships

Catching up on MOPS speaker recaps. No audio to share from Carenet's speaker, but here are some notes to recap some of the wisdom shared:

While it can be awkward to talk openly to our kids, being the first word on the subject by doing so can have significant advantages. If we send the message to our kids that "we" as parents know about the subject, they won't just assume we don't and get information from each other, the internet, etc. Real information = better outcomes! 

Important steps to consider when broaching the topic:
1. Evaluate your frame of reference
2. Clarify your convictions
3. Teach what God says about sex
4. Challange your children to have a standard
5. Create a home that provides love, security & physical affection for your children

Tone & attitude are just as important as your words:
-Don't be the parent that is freaking out
-Don't pass on any "hang-ups" about sex
-Don't make sex weird or secretive
-Don't tell "tall tales" (stork, magic, etc)
-Don't lecture
-Don't plan one big talk
-Don't pass this on to someone else
-Don't think that only dads talk to sons
-KISS: Keep It Super Simple

Some breakdowns of when/what to talk to with our kids at certain ages:
Babies
Start when they're babies by naming body parts with them

Age 2-3
Introduce boundaries - ex: "there are times and places to be naked"
Privacy & body safety. Keep it simple by talking about things like closing door for privacy

Age 3-5
Kids are curious - peeping, exploring, playing dr, etc are healthy & normal ways of expressing this curiosity.
Teach about it not being approriate to touch others' private parts or for anyone else to touch yours

Age 4+
Talking with kids about how all living things produce can be a good frame of reference (dogs have babies, humans have babies, etc)
Making babies is for adults, not kids
Teach kids basic biology

Age 5-10 (+ other ages)
Limit screens & online time
Supervise internet use
Use filters
Keep internet use & computer in public areas
Talk about uncomfortable pictures that your kids may see online.

References suggested:
Books - Sex:
3-5 yrs - The Story of Me
5-8 yrs - Before I was Born
8-11 yrs - What's the Big Deal?
11-14 yrs - Facing the Facts
Parents -
How and When to Tell Your Kids About Sex
Mom, Dad...What's Sex?
How Babies are Made

Books - Body Safety:
Body Safety Education
God Made All of Me
Some Secrets Should Never be Kept
No Means No!
I Said No!

Books - Secrets, Separation Feelings, Anxiety:
Do You Have a Secret?
You Weren't With Me
Once I was Very Very Scared
A Terrible Thing Happened

Books - Pornography:
Good Pictures, Bad Pictures
Good Pictures, Bad Pictures Jr.

Books - Puberty:
Guy Stuff: the Body Book for Boys
Celebrate Your Body (and It's Changes, Too!): The Ultimate Puberty Book for Girls

Other Resources:
Risen Motherhood Podcast
Relatable Podcast (Allie Beth Stucky)
FamilyLife Today Website & Podcast
Article - Tim Challes: How to Teach Your Kids About Sex
Article - Got Questions: How Should a Christian View Sex Education? 

Krista Law :: Mom Guilt

What a treat to have Krista join us again. She shared with us some great thoughts about the very-real "mom guilt" - feel free to peruse the audio and the handout below.

Click HERE for the recording of Krista's talk. Enjoy!

Krista walked us through the handout below, starting with brainstorming ways that Culture, Family of Origin & Personality impact the mom-guilt we feel. And then shared some ways to begin to address each of these:

1. To combat Personality guilt-inducers, be aware fo the pain (yours, your kids, etc)

2. To combat Family of Origin guilt-inducers, go back to your family of origin & learn/know your story

3. To combat Cultural guilt-inducers, move away from grandiosity

A few key takeaways included:

*The core theme or goal of Scripture is that Redemption is possible. Ultimately, guilt and shame can be used by God for something beautiful. "There is no condemnation (Rom. 8:1)...It is for freedom that we've been set free" (Gal. 5:1)

*Redemption is the long game - it's not easy or quick work.

*We and our families were grown in an atmosphere that has fostered our experiences and potential guilt - we have to unpack those to bring about change.

Links to Resources:

Books/Audio

The Healing Path (Dan Allender)

The Mom Factor (Cloud & Townsend)

Listening to Shame (Brene Brown Ted Talk)

I Love you Rituals (Becky Bailey)

Therapy

Hive & Honeycomb Counseling - Krista's counseling collaborative 

Mindful Therapy Group - take almost all insurance

Psychology Today - can narrow therapist search results by many factors

Refresh Registration!

Hey, ladies!

In case you missed it, Registration for the Refresh Bible Study Session 1 is open. This session will be a 6-week Bible Study facilitated by the amazing Marisa Gronholz. We will study Jesus' questions. 

• Starts Tuesday, November 12th (meets on the 2nd and 4th Tuesdays of the month, the “off Tuesdays” from MOPS). Because of all the holidays, there are a couple of months with only one meeting - the dates of Refresh will be: Nov. 12, Dec. 10, Jan. 14 & 28, and Feb. 11 & 25
• 9:30-11:30am
• Childcare provided
• Cost: $45, partial scholarships available.
• Email Sara-Anne for registration!  
• Registration deadline: October 30th

Jennifer Kenney :: The Good Shepherd

We were pleased to welcome Jennifer Kenney, UPC's Director of Family Ministries, as our first speaker to kick us off this year. Jennifer shared some relatable stories from her journey into and within motherhood and encouraged us with some reflections on this year's theme verse of John 10:10 and the surrounding verses.

Click HERE for the recording of Jennifer's talk.

Enjoy!

Jennifer shared this image and passage and asked a couple of reflection questions:

* Where do you see yourself in this parable?

* What words come to mind for you when you think about having a "full life?"

She offered these words as some that come to mind for her:

Purpose     Safety       Secure
Happy       Gratitude  Play
Balance     Rest          Faith       

Peace

Jesus says in this passage that He is the Good Shepherd. How often do we put ourselves inside the pen as the sheep? As mom's, we often take on the role of the shepherd, with all that comes from caring for our kids & families. But when we allow Jesus to take on the role of shepherd and then look back at some of these words above, it's easier to put them on fully. We can live our most full lives when under the shepherding of Jesus!

Jennifer also suggested these books as great resources for futher reflection and study on this topic:

A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23

While Shepherd Watch Their Flocks: 40 Daily Reflections on Biblical Leadership

Welcome to 2019-20 MOPS!

We're in for a great year - connecting with other mom's, learning from some great speakers and just getting some "down time" as moms together. We hope that this blog can be a great central resource for all things UPC MOPS this year.

As Katie mentioned in our first meeting, this year will be focused on the MOPS theme "to the full." John 10:10 tells us that "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." Jesus cares about our day to day life and desires for us to lead full lives in the here and now. Hopefully this year will help us to rest in this knowledge and seek ways to lean into him for this as busy moms.

If you have any questions or would love to see other resources on this blog, feel free to email upcmops@gmail.com

Mentor Mom Panel:: The Good Stuff

It was that time of year again: Mentor Mom time! Our favorite panel sat before us once again and regaled us with anecdotes and wisdom. How did we get so lucky? They are a delight and show us that it is possible to get to the other side in one piece.

Without further adieu, read on to see some of the best stuff they had to impart.

Favorite part about being a Mentor Mom...

• going to church and seeing all the moms they've met through MOPS. Seeing the moms with their families is so fun!
• hearing everyone's stories
• learn a lot from the moms and it helps in relationship with their own kids and daughters

Relationships/their best tips...

• prayer
• patience
• be interested in his side of the conversation. Ask "what do you think about this?" without giving the answer. 
• kids do, in fact, make things difficult. We're not doing it wrong. So hang tight--it will get better!
• Date nights. Do it. The kids see it and appreciate it.

What would you have done differently when you had young kids?

• Date nights.
• view your husband as your husband, not just daddy. Marriage first.
  
• Understand where your kids are when they're there as they mature. Don't hold them back.
• Don't hold back on making memories in favor of routine. Lean into "out of the ordinary." That's what they'll remember!

On being a good daughter-in-law or having a good in-law relationship:

• think how you would want to be treated.
• Have grace for the challenge of coming into our homes where we do things differently than they (the in-laws) always have. 
• Absolute equality! Give them the same memories, time, inclusion at family events.

Advice you dare not give your kids/would love to say but can't:

• you're living like you're waiting for the maid, but she aint coming.
• limit social media/ technology! Disengaged feeling out in the world. Kids pick up on all of it.

Something learned in MOPS you wish you would have known:

• on being a Praise Junkie mom...they don't hear it after awhile. Praise their actions (i.e. diligence, hard work,etc), not necessarily the outcomes.

Christina McCracken::Career Planning and Advice for Mothers

We were so glad to have Christina come talk to us about jumping back into the working world after staying home with our kids. For those of us just beginning, she helped give us a place to start. For those with their feet already wet, she gave tangible steps to move forward and make progress. Wherever we find ourselves, she reminded us that any start is a good start and that it is a journey. Where we end up may look very different than where we began, but isn't that life? #wisdom

Click HERE for the recording of Christina's talk.

Enjoy!

Christina is a Career Consultant who began her talk by pointing out that this path is not linear. It can take all sorts of turns and twists and end up in a completely different direction than when you started. But there are some concrete steps to take to get there.

1.) Where are you in the process? 

• Discernment: figuring out what you want to do. Is it a specific role or handful or skills you can bring to a number of places? Talk to people. Ask them what they see in you or what you're good at. What are your values? Priorities? Skills?
• Strategy: a plan that takes into account where the job landscape and your abilities meet. What does the field you're interested in require? More education or a certificate? Is this feasible? What are the hours? Do your research (job sites help with this). 
• Action: you know where you wantt to be and are ready to begin the search. This involves meeting with people, taking some informational interviews. Those one-on-ones can be more helpful as that person can be more honest and straightforward about their job than at a formal interview. Also, keep contact/relationships up...referrals and recruiters take those recommendations seriously. 

2.) Next Steps

• Assessments: MBTI, Strengths Finder, Career Assessment, etc. Ask your friends what gifts or strengths they see in you. 
• ResearchL Networking, Informational INterviews, LinkedIn, etc.
• Action Plan: Personal Narrative and Marketing Materials

Further Discussion

• Where do you see yourself in the process--discernment, strategy, or action?
• What is a career of interest to you?
• What is hardest about this process for you?
• What one step will you take in the next month to move forward?

Christina McCracken

PIVOT Career Consulting

christina@pivotcareerconsulting.com 

Deb Thomas:: Navigating Kids, Culture, Fatigue, God, Shame, + Not Enough Time

Did you catch that title? Phew! Deb held nothing back when she came to chat about sex and relationships in the midst of motherhood. As it turns out, sexual problems are multi-causal and multi-dimensional. Health and dysfunction is a continuum...relationship problems = sexual problems and vice versa. So the work to be done is decidedly understanding needs, respecting them, and trying to figure out what to do.

Take a listen, reference some notes, and remember you're not alone!

Click HERE for the recording of Deb's talk.

Enjoy!

 

BODY

• When do you feel free?

SEXY: smelling, seeing, hearing, touching, breathing, tasting, lingering

          The question in...can you be in your body?

NOT: fatigue, pain, distaste, numbness, distrust, body-only-goal-oriented-sex  

 

*Understanding all of this and the challenge of it is not going away. But the more you do to have better understanding now, the better off you'll be. 

 

BASIC NEEDS: Exercise (enough cardio to get the stress out of your body), nutrition, sleep, sunshine, play, touch, rest (question: how do you rest?) 

 

HEART

• How's your heart? Are you stressed? Is your heart sad? joyful? full of gratitude? does it hurt?

SEXY: trusting, safe, joyful, playful, adventurous, curious, flirty, longing, empathetic, open, wow

NOT: fear, fury, fatigue

• Body's warning system: pay attention. There's something that may emotions are telling me and I need to figure out what that is. Stuffing and ignoring won't stop the feels.

 

MIND

• What were the messages you had growing up about sex? In church? In school? In youth group? 
• Are moms allowed to be sexy? What about Mom Bodies? 
• Can you enjoy your body with all the changes you've gone through? Will your brain say "yes! this is sexy!" 
• As women, we gather all the rules about how to do things "right" and we will try desperately to do things "right." 
• All those messages are in there.  

PROBLEMS/TRAPS: 

    Human Giver Syndrome--"Your needs don't matter, it's all about everyone else."

    Sexy vs. Slutty--what's healthy sexy or Godly sexy? 

    Consumer Culture--when we put our hearts on what's unattainable

    Duty sex--is it mutual, pleasurable, and connecting? 

    Silence

    Sex is simple (not)

    Sex is the same for everyone

HEALTH:

    Bodies are good

    I have sexual rights

    Adult Sex Ed

    Integrated faith and sexuality

    Deconstructed myths and false beliefs

    Differences between genders and sex

HEALTH

"Sex is holy because God made it holy."-- Tina Shermer Sellers

Most of us have been objectified, wounded, hurt. Some horrifically, unspeakably; others through everyday ignoring of rights. #metoo #churchtoo

We all bring that into our relationships. Acknowledge the need for healing.

BODY EXPERIMENTS

COUPLE:

• Can you linger? in a hug? 
• lingering kisses
• Date (verb)-- can we find a way back? 
• Quarterly overnight getaways
• Simplify
• Sabbath rest 
• not getting up
• trade?

INDIVIDUAL:

• Exercise--get the stress out of your body
• Love on your body
• bubble baths
• listen to your body
• women are notorious for ignoring body signals
• Sabbath rest

RESOURCES

The Sexual Healing Journey, Wendy Maltz

The Joy of Intimacy, Manis Friedman and Ricardo Adler

Burn Out, Emily Nogoski and Amelia Nogoski

 

Clara Barnett:: Naturopathic Medicine + Children

As always, it was a pleasure to hear from Dr. Clara Barnett, a naturopathic physician. Having suffered from chronic illness as a child, Clara was launched down the path of naturopathic medicine. She discovered healing through a balance in her body that ignited a passion for helping others become attune to their own inner-workings. Her message is simple: ↑ good bacteria, ↓ bad bacteria. It's important to live in balance with the "good bugs" (bacteria) in our bodies...then we dodge countless maladies throughout our lives. How do we do that? Listen to Clara to find out!

Click HERE for the recording of Clara's talk.

Enjoy!

 

*There' is a big Q+A mid-talk that was largely off-mic, so try to follow the line of Q's by Clara's answers as best you can! :)

 

Dr. Clara Barnett ND, LAc

www.DrClara.com 

Jane Schmidt::Technology and Our Kids

Jane came to us, thank goodness, as we try to navigate this world of technology. As she reminded the group, technology is here to stay. It's in our lives and it's not going anywhere. So how do we make it a positive thing?

It's not easy. We all know that. We all want to make healthy boundaries and we all want to connect with our kids. If we start there, then decisions around technology become easier. But first, we need to understand it so we can parent it. After all, we weren't taught how to parent it, so we have to figure it out. #awesome

Click HERE for the recording of Jane's talk.

Enjoy!

What are some challenges we're facing with technology right now? 

• School on social media
• Toddler tantrums
• Friend's and grandparent's rules (or lack thereof)
• Kids see it as the Holy Grail/candy
• Understanding what's educational/entertaining v. addictive
• Balancing relevance with their peers
• Exposure outside the home
• Age gaps (older sibling w/ technology)
• Boundaries with ourselves with our technology
• On difference pages than our partner

First and foremost, Jane emphasized two things: 

1. No guilt, no shame. It's never too late to start setting boundaries or evaluating habits.
2. Use your instinct. We are experts on our own kids and know what's realistic and/or effective. Go from there.  

Phew. 

Okay. 

Turns out there is already a ton of research out of UW about the brain that help us know how technology impacts it. See handout below.   

 

 

 

Three Super-Important Things To Do

1. Talk, engage, connect, relate
2. Physical activity--play! Let them be curious, creative, and BORED.
3. Read to your child...from a book, not a screen. Sensory/touch with real books is important.

Good Point:: Tidbits

• Shows (even the best shows) tell them what to think. 3-dimensional toys create opportunities to figure things out. 
• Some language to talk about technology...It's like food. There are different foods that nourish different things. And there are treats/snacks. We nourish our bodies with different experiences and the world around us and technology is something to snack on. 
• Yes, we have to factor school screens into our parenting.
• As they get older, we need to keep having new conversations about the boundaries. It's like the sex talk (!)...we need to educate them when we make decisions on limits...they can know the what" and the "why." Knowledge is power.
• It's up to us. We are it. 
• No one is alone in this...let's talk to each other/our community to see what to do. Let's use MOPS as a sounding board for this stuff! 
• One small change can make a big difference and you'll see the results quick. Try it! 
• Remember, we're already doing these things! Give yourself some credit, take an inventory, and go from there.

RESOURCES

www.commonsensemedia.org

(try it! so helpful!)

 

Marisa Gronholz:: Enneagram

You guys, if you missed Marisa's talk at our last MOPS meeting, you'll just have to tune in by clicking below because it was waaaay too much to recap here. My brain would die. I'm pretty sure there was smoke pluming from my pen and paper as I attempting to take notes. Besides, Marisa admittedly only scratched the surface for us, so really we all just need to get the book and do the work. Because it is SO INTERESTING.

Click HERE for the recording of Marisa's talk.

Enjoy!

To view Marisa's super helpful slides (including amazing resources at the end), click here! 

Good luck! 

Beth Goss:: Reclaiming Your Relationship After Baby

At our last meeting, the lovely Beth Goss spoke some real truth about how we reconnect with our spouses after having a baby. Because we all know how easy it is to pour into our partner while our new bundle pours their every extra waste onto us all day...*shakes head no.* Turns out it's more about the little things than we may realize. Thanks, Beth!

Click HERE for the recording of Beth's talk.

Enjoy!

When we first have kids, there's a universal transition to parenthood. The moment they're born, there's a huge philosophical shift. After all, you've been you for longer than being _______'s mom.
Relationships change...

• conflict increases
• communication decreases + becomes stressful

Physical + psychological changes...

• sleep deprivation
• sex + intimacy typically decline
• in fact, John Gottman spent a lot of time studying this particular period of time in parenthood and as sleep lessens, the greater chance of depression.

It begs the question...are new parents happy?
...67% of parents experience a significant drop in relationship satisfaction in the first year after the birth of a child (Gottman).  Boom.

So are all new parents doomed?
   -No.
  -33% of couples studies during the same period reported maintain or increasing relationship satisfaction
  -Couples who stay together + are reasonably satisfied = MASTERS
  -Couples who stay together but are miserable or whose relationship eventually end = DISASTERS.

We gotta know...what are couples doing RIGHT?

Six Strategies for Reclaiming Your Relationship

1. Ask OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS
• Not yes/no
• Open-ended questions create dialogue
• Examples include: what's your ideal vacation? What do you want our life to be like in 5 years? How are you really feeling about your job? 
• Consider this a party skill...if you work this hard to generate conversation with strangers, why not do the same with your spouse?
2. Express APPRECIATION AND RESPECT
• Don't think it, say it!
• Catch your partner doing something right...find the things about your partner that you really like and express them.
• Accept compliments your partner gives you
• "Masters" express + accept appreciation + respect during ordinary moments
• We learn more from appreciation than from criticism....let that sink in, ladies. 
3.  Recognize and respond to BID FOR CONNECTION
• Emotional bank account...tracks "relationship points" (earned or deducted through positive + negative interactions or bids)
• A "bid" is the way someone expresses what they need in that moment.
• We continually make bids for our partner's attention/affection/conversation/support throughout the day
• You can try to recognize and respont to bids to add "points" to your partner's account
• Notice + Respond to Bids (high risk and low risk)
• attention
• conversation
• humor
• affection
• excitement
• emotional support
• play 
• empathy
• sex
• There are 3 ways to respond to a bid...
• Turning toward, making a connection, adding to the bank account
• Turning away or ignoring (not meant to be mean-spirited)
• Turning against, an angry response. "I don't have time for this!" Don't do that.
4. Create a POSITIVE PERSPECTIVE
• When we have a positive perspective on our relationship we give each other the benefit of the doubt.
• Look for things going well
• Make it a habit--it doesn't happen on its own
• Focus on strengthening your friendship
5. Make intimacy a PRIORITY
• Our partners need to know we love + desire them.
• The basis for intimacy is establishing and maintaining an emotional connection
• Look for non-sexual ways to be intimate/connected...rituals of affection (a kiss before work, sit together before going to bed at night, etc.)
• Don't make sex the last "chore" of the day
• Plan regular couple time away from the kids
• Intimacy is built on good friendship
6. Create SHARED MEANING + VALUES
• Move from "getting through the day" to planning long term
• How you were raised affects your life's dreams, values, and rituals
• Conflict often stems from unfulfilled dreams and ideals or differences in Family of Origin (how you grew up doing meals, holidays, etc) 
• Create your own family rituals
• Support each other's goals
• Engage in meaningful activities to create new shared experiences
• Think about your own dreams--what do you want to make happen in your life?

One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a strong relationship between the two of you." 

Further Discussion

1. Before you had children, what did you think parenthood would be like?
2. Share something about your partner that makes you feel proud.
3. What are some of the challenges to nurturing your adult relationship?
4. What rituals of connection do you have with your partner?

RESOURCES

And Baby Makes Three by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver 

Krista Law::Anxiety + Depression

The incomparable Krista Law came to speak with us once again and she didn't disappoint. Sharing about anxiety and depression, Krista helped us attack the idea of "Knowing & Prioritizing Your Values" as a way to see where our anxiety or depression comes from and how we can make some changes. Turns out it all comes down to control...where we feel like we have to have control and where we feel like we have no control. Ultimately, a goal of Krista's was to normalize feelings of anxiety and depression and make a way we can all check in about it regularly. It happens to all of us, so let's talk about it.

Click HERE for the recording of Krista's talk.

Enjoy!

Anxiety & Depression: Two Sides of the Same Coin (Control)

• Depression says: "It doesn't matter, whatever I do isn't going to make a difference." I have no control, nothing I do is going to change anything.
• Anxiety says: "I have to control everything. I can do it best. If it's gonna be, it's up to me."

There are seasons of both, short or long.

• Bible says: Look back at Genesis. What was the intent? Design? They were given animals, land, etc. They were given some control, but not all control (not THAT tree). See, it shows that there are things you can do, and things to surrender. 

The Antidote: Choosing Values
This is work we all need to do in order to identify where the pressure is coming from and how it manifests itself, anxiety or depression. Basically, where is the "should" coming from that brings on the need for control or the feeling of lack of control?

• A single value that is perceived as unachievable= ____________ (ex. success)
• Not reaching this incites a depressive response

• Too many values that are perceived as all achievable=_________ (ex. Pinterest, "you can do All The Things" messaging)
• Striving for this causes anxiety

• Knowing and Prioritizing
• Past: What kind of home did you grow up in (something painful that you would do differently or pleasure) that you want to keep or make a high value)? Identifying these things can show that you are anchored in something that isn't your own value. 
• What was valued in your family (Agree/Disagree)? Keep asking this question  to discern what to keep or toss.

• Future: What kind of home do you want (Unachievable/Achievable)? 
• ex. clean home b/c my house wasn't clean growing up. How can you get there so you don't always feel like you're failing? Start with drawing your community in, give the narrative behind the value to help them help you see change. Sharing your "why" imparts empathy and they want to help.

• What kind of values do you want in your family (Too few/Too many)? 
• Where do they come from? 

"Every instruction we give, every course of action we set, every result we desire, starts with the same thing: a decision."-- Simon Sinek

 

Goal: Knowing the "Why"

"A [family] can explain what it does; some can explain how they do it; but very few can clearly articulate why."--Simon Sinek

FURTHER DISCUSSION

1. Do you identify with feeling depressed (having goal/value you can't achieve) or with feeling anxious (having too many goals/values that are unachievable)?
2. What is one value in your home that is a result of pain? What is one value that comes from what went right in your family of origin?
3. Name one family value you want to have? What might it look like to live from that value?
4. In the end, why do you want to change? You may know the "what" to change and the "how" but have you asked yourself "why?"

RESOURCES

• Start With Why by Simon Sinek
• Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
• To Be Told (+ Workbook) by Dr. Dan Allender

Krista Law, MA, LMHC

Individuals & Couples Counselor

www.kristalaw.com

www.3therapistswalkintoablog.com