Knowing the Value of Your Home

Last Tuesday we once again heard from the wonderful Krista Law about deciphering the values we have in our home and how we can obtain/maintain them.

Family values are how we live our lives and shape our homes. These values are ideally without the influence of social demands, but stemming from what is important to us and our family. They are the fence around our home, guarding it against the barrage of outside influence and opinion.

And to get to the core of our values and the meat we need to hold on to them, we have to take the important step of asking "why?" 

"A [family] can explain what it does; some can explain how they do it; but very few can clearly articulate why." - Simon Sinek p. cover

Why ask "why?"

• "Because if you know you're values, you will make decisions that you can feel good about." If we don't know the heart of why we have a value, there is more room for doubt and incongruency in our lives. We want the inside to match what is on the outside.
• "Knowing and putting words to our values creates a filter over the house." We are bombarded with different opinions and other values from every direction, from eating organic to differing parenting advice, and if we don't know our own values, we will take it all in and probably go crazy. Being in touch with our values keeps the others out. And keeps us sane.
• "It saves you time and money in the end." How many times have you invested in gimmicks or things that we aren't? That sure-fire weight loss plan or that camping gear you're SURE you're going to use. Someday. When we know our values, we can say "yes" and "no" accordingly without being taken in by something that we are just plain NOT.
• "Otherwise, we think we're not good enough. We battle the inner critic." Our inner voice is constantly asking, "Am I doing something wrong?" When we know and put words to our values, we are already living them out. We're doing things right according to what's important to us and that's what matters.
• "It allows room for grace." When we observe others succeeding in other areas (i.e. eating organic and constantly camping), we can extend grace to ourselves because they are operating under a different set of values. Our values don't, and probably won't, all look the same. And that's okay. Example grace-filled inner dialogue: "Well done, other people/parents/families! Doing great! Over here, we're not doing too shabby ourselves in the family dinner every night and daily exercise values. Awesome." *Pats self on back*

To get started, take inventory of what you already have. Answer the question: What are the current values in your home/family?  To dig deeper, try investigating the home you came from. What kind of home did you grow up in? What was valued in your family? Brainstorming this can identify the places of pain ("I swore I would never do that") and the places of pleasure ("I always wanted to carry that on in my own family") that influence our values.

Then, think about what you're reaching for. What kind of home do you want? What kind of family do you want? 

And consider how to get there. How do you get what you want? What are the steps you need to take? First, count the cost. For example, if you want to exercise, it will cost you time. Be prepared for that. Secondly, know that there will be loose ends. You may hit roadblocks, but it still matters to you, so you know to persevere. And finally, understand that things will get hard. You're probably going to want to quit. But you know why it's important, so you keep going. After all, when you set your eyes on the "yes" and have a plan for how to get there, the "no's" can't jump the fence and get in the way. You're gonna get there.

Questions to Consider:

1. What is one value in your home that is a result of pain? What is one value that comes from what went right in your family of origin?
2. What kinds of superficial changes have you tried to make? Did they work? If so, how? If not, what happened?
3. Do you know the kind of family you want to have? What does it look like? Are your goals realistic?
4. Are you prepared to count the costs of achieving those goals and values? What are some of the costs you imagine facing to achieve the home environment you want?
5. In the end, why do you want to change? You may know the "what" to change and the "how" but have you asked yourself "why?"

Krista Law, MA, LMHCA

Individual & Couples Counselor

206.866.5083

kristalawma@gmail.com

www.3therapistswalkintoablog.com 

Resources
 Simon Sinek TED Talk--How Great Leaders Inspire Action

Autism Awareness

This week we heard from Robin Talley, who came to us from the University of Washington Autism Center. If you missed her talk or would like to see her presentation slides for your own notes, they are here. Included at the end are helpful resources for further reading.

At the end of the hour, good questions arose that led to more conversation and valuable insight from our speaker and other moms. For example...

What are some tips for how to support moms of kids with Autism?

• Offer childcare. Friends and family in particular will know the child and their needs, so this would not only be a break for mom, but peace of mind for her in knowing that her child is well cared for by someone who understands.
• Create a space in your own home that's comfortable for the child. When they visit, mom can be at ease knowing it's a relaxing environment for her child.
• Talk about it, share in it, understand, and just listen. 
• If your friend has more than one child, offer to watch the other sibling(s) during appointments and meetings your friend and her child need to attend.
• Just be there.

MOPS Budget Report:: 2013-2014

MOPS Registration:: 2014-2015

It's that time again!

As this year winds down, we hope to see you again next fall! 

Registration opens on May 1st for 2014-15.

Join us for another season of food, fellowship, and encouragement.

Don't wait--childcare space is at a premium so sign up to claim your spot!

To register, CLICK HERE.

Relationships with Mothers

I have to admit--when I saw the topic for last week, I let out an "oh boy." I mean, what a can of worms, amen? But our very own mentor mom Terry McNichols, M.S. used her expertise in the mental health field and her personal story to give us tips on how we can relate to our mothers, especially if it is a strained relationship. Of course, her words can also apply to your boss, husband, sibling, etc.

Having navigated a particularly challenging relationship herself, Terry shared some tools to help go about change in ourselves that hopefully leads to positive change in our relationships.
After all..

"One person can change a system."

Terry detailed the typical responses to a Demand for Sameness within a relationship:

1. Comply: "I only want what you want, dear." This means pretending there are no differences between you. You "never fight." This may come from a fear of conflict and generally means you never truly know yourselves or each other.
2. Rebel: "I did it my way." Never secure in what you want because you are too busy doing the opposite of what someone else wants. But this still means the other person is calling the shots and you're responding.
3. Attack: "I'm the king of the mountain." Everyone else is the problem and the cause of frustration and therefore need to change by whatever means possible. 
4. Cutoff: "Bye-bye." Withdrawing physically or emotionally, walk away from the conversation or the house.

What is your "go-to" response when confronted with a demand for sameness? Identify what may be happening in your relationship with your mother, friend, boss or spouse and the role you play. Go into your family or relationship as a researcher. What is the dynamic? What's going on? What are the triggers? What are the responses? Gathering this information helps equip you to start making changes within yourself and see what your own role is in the situation before trying to change the other person. Observing the dynamic from this perspective helps encourage understanding, compassion, and forgiveness going forward. 

Practical Steps Toward Change:

1. Begin by changing yourself:: It's a dance. You both know the steps. What happens when you change those steps? The dance changes. Change one small thing and see what happens. And in the name of gathering information, observe the changes and decide if they are changes you want to keep. Work on your own reactions in the midst of this.
2. Start to notice when you're reacting vs. when you are responding:: Check in with your body and see where you feel the anxiety of your responses. Pay attention. Is it in your shoulders? Your chest? Your temples? In the midst of you communication, see what your body is telling you. Doing this will put a pause in the interaction and you will find you respond differently than if you didn't take that moment.
3. Assume a positive intention:: Think about context and look at things from their perspective. We all make mistakes and desire the benefit of the doubt. Offer the same.
4. Learn to forgive:: Let go of the past! It's a commandment, not a choice (Luke 6:37). "Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and expecting the rat to die."--Anne Lamott 
5. Learn to communicate with your mother:: What's the best way? Have you asked her? Have you told her? Is it texting, calling, Skyping, emailing? If she's calling you ten times a day and it makes you want to scream, suggest texting or email so you can get back to her in your own time. Frustration can be avoided simply by communicating in the preferred medium. And never underestimate the power of asking "is this a good time?"
6. Learn to make quick repairs:: Check out this article on John Gottman's blog--he offers tools for this.
7. Learn to make "I" statements in your communication:: It's okay to fight but it means learning to fight well. Making "I" statements takes the attack out of communication and helps to set boundaries. Practice in situations that aren't emotional first, or with cooperative people. Discuss it with your partner, friend, or parent to see if they will cooperate.

"I Statements"

"When you (a non-blaming statement of fact), I feel (a true statement of your feelings) because I (further clarify the issue for you without blame). Would you consider (offer reasonable ideas to resolve the problem) / So (set a boundary).

 

And finally--Get to know your mother! Ask questions! See below for help.

Questions to Ask Your Mother (from MAMA AP newsletter, January 2014)

• What's the one thing you would have done differently as a mom?
• In what ways do you think I'm like you? And not like you?
• Do you think it's easier or harder to be a mother now than when you were raising me?
• Is there anything that you wish had been different between us--or that you would still like to change?
• Is there anything you have always wanted to tell me but never have?
• Is there anything you regret not having asked your parents?
• What's the best thing I can do for you right now?

[Excerpted from "10 Questions to Ask Your Mother Now" by Judith Newman, www.realsimple.com]

TIP: If you don't feel like you can do it in person, perhaps write it down to take the face-to-face out of it.

"Now you KNOW better so now you have to DO better."

 Terry McNichols, M.S. 

mcnicholsterry@comcast.net

RESOURCES
Family Ties that Bind: A self-help guide to change through Family of Origin Therapy by Dr. Ronald W. Richardson 
Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies and Impossible Expectations That All Of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow by Judith Viorst
Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott
Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve by Lewis B. Smedes
The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D
The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D
The Mother-in-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along? by Annie Chapman
Cutting Loose: An Adult Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents by Howard M. Halpern, Ph.D
Good Daughters: Loving Our Mothers as They Age by Patricia Beard

AROUND THE WEB
"Relational Repair for the Difficult" by Jen Hatmaker 
"For When You've Never Walked a Mile in Their Shoes" by Andrea Dekker

Positive Discipline

This week we heard from Katie Becker, an Early Childhood Specialist and Parenting Consultant with Thrive. Though we probably all expected tips on disciplining our children, Katie didn't address time-outs or taking dessert away. Instead, she focused on the front end of things: laying a solid foundation of communicated expectations and boundaries for behaviors and actions (and sticking to them!), in order to save ourselves some grief later.

In cased you missed it, here are some key points:

• She started us off with some brain science: just how much we/our kids take in from birth to 12-years-old (read: a lot), what they take in through watching/mirroring us, and the associations they have to how or where they learn something when they learn it.
• She stressed the importance of processing with our kids. When they come up against hard stuff, it's tempting to jump in with answers, but giving them room to figure out how they feel and decide how they want to handle it can yield better results than having us do it for them. Talk with them and give them the room to think about it and come to their own conclusions before filling that space. See where it leads.
• She explained the importance of communicating boundaries and expectations--
• It yields security for them. When these are constantly shifting, it creates stress and anxiety--they're unsure of what to expect or what you expect from them. The unknown can make them uneasy.
• Kids need to know if "no means no," if you always have family dinner, to always respect adults, etc. and parents need to hold that line as best they can. Then everyone is working from the same playbook and trying to uphold those things together, meaning you are probably putting out less fires in the moment.
• Making those expectations known on the outset is a more successful strategy than engaging and reacting within the situation. Katie suggested letting your child know those boundaries when things are calm: in the car, at bedtime, or around the dinner table. It is more proactive than reactive. Trying to establish new expectations and limits while knee-deep in conflict doesn't really lend itself to a calm, thought-out delivery from the parent or a welcome reception from our kids.
• These boundaries and expectations may change as your children get older. It can take re-evaluation every so often to see if they are still in line with your family values and your child's unique development.
• Encouraging or discouraging certain behaviors--
• Kids love attention. Most often, they are doing something in order to get ours.
• We can discourage behavior by not giving them the attention they want. When it's safe, try ignoring the behavior. If they're screaming in the car, pulling it over or engaging until the end of your rope may not work. Instead, give it a minute. Usually, if they haven't gotten a reaction, they will stop. 
• When they are working on a new expectation or behavior, give them praise when they are doing something appropriate (i.e. positive reinforcement). Then once they've mastered it, you can cut the praise. Otherwise, they might come to expect it and we end up over-praising (a whole 'nother discussion), nullifying the effect of earned praise. 
• We want to equip our kids with the right tools to handle things, but then have to take a step back. They will get their feelings hurt, they will fail. It's a hard thing to do, letting and watching that happen, but it's necessary to have them practice living out the tools you've given them at home. You have hopefully helped shaped behaviors in a way that will serve them throughout their life.

In the end, Katie couldn't say enough about consistency and follow-through. All of the above has little merit when it's ever-changing. And of course our kids will do all they can to work those inconsistencies and drive us crazy with negotiation or protest if what you said yesterday was different than today or tomorrow.

And ultimately, grace for yourself is key. There are no perfect parents getting these things "right" all the time. Some days are better than others and if all of the balls fall out of the air one day, reset and try again tomorrow. There's nothing wrong with that!

"If you're getting it right 60% of the time, you're doing a good job." -John Gottman

RESOURCES
The Whole Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel
1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas W. Phelan
Amy Cuddy's Ted Talk about "power posing": Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are

Katie Becker, M. Ed

Early Childhood Specialist

www.childrenthrive.com

katie@childrenthrive.com

206.909.9207

Men's Panel

Well.

Not sure how the men felt, sitting in the hot seat and fielding questions about parenthood and marriage for a room full of women, but they can rest easy. It's safe to say that judging by the busy pens scribbling in notebooks as they spoke, they hit it out of the park.

The panel of six offered valuable insight into faith, family, and fatherhood and shared wisdom from their own experiences as dads and husbands. We thank them for their honesty, openness and humor as they reflected on topics like need and conflict. Below you'll find the questions that guided the discussion (perhaps to talk over with your spouse?).

PANEL QUESTIONS:

Parenting

1. What do you love about being a dad?
2. Give some examples of how parenting is different between a husband and a wife? How are these differences significant in a family?
3. How can a wife help her husband feel like they are parenting together?
4. How does becoming a father impact the relationship between husband and wife?
5. How can a wife put a husband first before the children?

Marriage

1. What does a husband need most from a wife?
2. What are some things a wife can do to make her husband feel loved and supported and respected?
3. What are some helpful ways to resolve conflicts in marriage? What can couples do to protect their marriage?

Concluding question: What is the one thing you wish all mothers understood about being a father and a husband?